solved: Settings >> Chats >> Chat backups >> Create backup
all the instructions I can find for creating a backup are instructions for transferring my account to another phone, which is not what I’m trying to do. I just want a nice little zip file or something that I can save on some third party storage device.
dude, go back to reddit. you can assume people are fucking morons over there to your heart’s content and you will probably always be right.