In a race to the bottom, many use shovels. ISPs use excavators, explosive charges and drills water cooled with customer tears.

I’ve worked for multiple different ISPs as support while getting my degree, and there was only 1 good one. Main reason was that they said: “fuck metrics, just fix the problem”.
Unicorns do exist

Sounds like something The Onion would write.

I have yet to encounter a US ISP that doesn’t have laughably bad customer service.

The reason I don’t switch is because there are no other options.

The fuck are they smoking? I’d really like to try it because there isn’t a substance in known reality that would make that statement not sound hilariously, institutionalizably insane.