If you’re the one working then why would your SO be able to threaten to not pay bills? Maybe it’s time to change which account your paychecks are going to. Have you considered opening a separate account just for you? Or try taking your name (or theirs) off as many joint accounts as possible. Maybe freezing your credit so nothing else can be opened in your name (assuming you’re in the us)? Are you are legally married to them? If so filing for divorce might be another avenue to talk to a lawyer about. (Most lawyers don’t charge for the initial consultation).
Are there any domestic violence shelters in your vicinity? It truely sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship and being held hostage in your own home. It’s only a matter of time before the violence gradually increases, because nothing you will ever do will appease them long enough to change their minds on how to treat you. Can you record people in your state/country? The us has some states where only one party needs permission to record so giving yourself permission is fully acceptable to begin recording. There are also some apps that can record audio/video when the phone appears off and uploads the video onto the internet.
You do not have to answer any of these questions. This internet stranger is just worried for you and truly hopes you find a safe haven. Regardless of anything else, I’m proud of you for working so hard to better yourself and your circumstances!
I wish I could answer this in a way that is not scary and dangerous but I can’t.
He spent part of last Sunday shouting at me that I’ve been “lost in my head with all my old ghosts” since the news of my aunt’s diagnosis with cancer last month, which thankfully seems to have been well resolved with surgery and she is on the mend. I think it’s normal to be upset and worried and distracted about the health of someone you love dearly, and I can’t say I’ve been particularly preoccupied or any of the things he accused me of either, just maybe a little less cheerful than usual really. I consider my reaction to be a normal human reaction.
But the light went on for me, he is not capable of handling me having any negative emotions or feelings, and not capable of me worrying about someone else’s well being because he’s terrified that it might displace his need for all of the attention. It’s pure undiluted narcissistic behaviour, ensuring his needs are the all encompassing ones.
He’s thrown a potholder at me recently for putting it away crooked and shaken his fist in my face and threatened to not pay my credit cards because he was being a sociopath about me changing the temperature settings in the car when I drive it, as if pushing a button is such a difficult thing to do. Yesterday he called me at work for “using too many teaspoons”, as if he’s not capable of using the dishwasher or washing one if he really desperately needs it. Imagine calling someone at work to shout at them about that.
So I don’t have an answer that isn’t a bad one. I’m sorry.
Thats ok, seriously tho, you mentioned at some point you’ll basically snap [or he will in some horrible fashion it sounds like]…What do you think happens?
The issue is its going to happen at some point and you’re almost certainly not going to be in a better position to deal with it then.
What would have to be true or in place to make it possible for you to entertain simply leaving? I know it sounds outrageous but just roll with this for a moment…Pretend there’s a fire and you made it out with your dog(s). What do you do next?
List all the reasons your situation is inescapable if you could so they are explicit
The only answer is money and being able to get away safely with my dogs without being harassed endlessly for the rest of my life with threats and abuse and maybe even lawsuits. I was on the cusp of leaving in 2015 when I was in a position of more power and he threatened to sue me for money, and he’d have his siblings who he is estranged from testify on his behalf about his childhood so the judge would take his side against me because he wasn’t responsible for what he did you me, or something like that. I have exactly zero money to do anything about this.
Sometimes I realize when he’s screaming at me that he has a underground river of insanity running through him that he conceals mostly through artful manipulation and mostly not having relationships with others.
If you’re the one working then why would your SO be able to threaten to not pay bills? Maybe it’s time to change which account your paychecks are going to. Have you considered opening a separate account just for you? Or try taking your name (or theirs) off as many joint accounts as possible. Maybe freezing your credit so nothing else can be opened in your name (assuming you’re in the us)? Are you are legally married to them? If so filing for divorce might be another avenue to talk to a lawyer about. (Most lawyers don’t charge for the initial consultation).
Are there any domestic violence shelters in your vicinity? It truely sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship and being held hostage in your own home. It’s only a matter of time before the violence gradually increases, because nothing you will ever do will appease them long enough to change their minds on how to treat you. Can you record people in your state/country? The us has some states where only one party needs permission to record so giving yourself permission is fully acceptable to begin recording. There are also some apps that can record audio/video when the phone appears off and uploads the video onto the internet.
You do not have to answer any of these questions. This internet stranger is just worried for you and truly hopes you find a safe haven. Regardless of anything else, I’m proud of you for working so hard to better yourself and your circumstances!
I don’t have access to money really. And I can’t leave my dogs. It’s absolutely terrible but I’m well and truly stuck, he’s wrecked my finances.
How do you honestly see things playing out/ending?
I see nothing changing and everything getting gradually worse until I crack.
Ok, then what happens? Theres a point to this, lets take it a bit further
I wish I could answer this in a way that is not scary and dangerous but I can’t.
He spent part of last Sunday shouting at me that I’ve been “lost in my head with all my old ghosts” since the news of my aunt’s diagnosis with cancer last month, which thankfully seems to have been well resolved with surgery and she is on the mend. I think it’s normal to be upset and worried and distracted about the health of someone you love dearly, and I can’t say I’ve been particularly preoccupied or any of the things he accused me of either, just maybe a little less cheerful than usual really. I consider my reaction to be a normal human reaction.
But the light went on for me, he is not capable of handling me having any negative emotions or feelings, and not capable of me worrying about someone else’s well being because he’s terrified that it might displace his need for all of the attention. It’s pure undiluted narcissistic behaviour, ensuring his needs are the all encompassing ones.
He’s thrown a potholder at me recently for putting it away crooked and shaken his fist in my face and threatened to not pay my credit cards because he was being a sociopath about me changing the temperature settings in the car when I drive it, as if pushing a button is such a difficult thing to do. Yesterday he called me at work for “using too many teaspoons”, as if he’s not capable of using the dishwasher or washing one if he really desperately needs it. Imagine calling someone at work to shout at them about that.
So I don’t have an answer that isn’t a bad one. I’m sorry.
Thats ok, seriously tho, you mentioned at some point you’ll basically snap [or he will in some horrible fashion it sounds like]…What do you think happens?
The issue is its going to happen at some point and you’re almost certainly not going to be in a better position to deal with it then.
What would have to be true or in place to make it possible for you to entertain simply leaving? I know it sounds outrageous but just roll with this for a moment…Pretend there’s a fire and you made it out with your dog(s). What do you do next?
List all the reasons your situation is inescapable if you could so they are explicit
The only answer is money and being able to get away safely with my dogs without being harassed endlessly for the rest of my life with threats and abuse and maybe even lawsuits. I was on the cusp of leaving in 2015 when I was in a position of more power and he threatened to sue me for money, and he’d have his siblings who he is estranged from testify on his behalf about his childhood so the judge would take his side against me because he wasn’t responsible for what he did you me, or something like that. I have exactly zero money to do anything about this.
Sometimes I realize when he’s screaming at me that he has a underground river of insanity running through him that he conceals mostly through artful manipulation and mostly not having relationships with others.
If I don’t get money I cannot get away.
Whats the magic amount of money that you estimate you need?
Whats your current housing situation, rent or own?