Today is October 25, 2024. I met my beautiful girlfriend Ena on October 27, 2017, at a computer lab in University (a fact she doesn’t remember…)
Lots of people ask us how we dated for so long - partially because our friend group is also young - but there are also a few, very conscious decisions, Ena and I made to get here.
The Tips
One thing that helped us enjoy a long, happy relationship, is being long distance. We spend months apart and months together at a time; the time apart gives you a chance to focus on yourself, improve your skills, and importantly, miss each other. The time together is savored. Every time we see each other, we have new stories to tell, and slightly new characteristics: It’s like dating again for the first time, but you already know it’s going to work out.
Long distance isn’t the only way to keep the smiles. Do things for the other person. Know your partner doesn’t do the dishes? Don’t nag them, do the dishes for them. Want to light a spark? Buy a gift as a surprise. The mindset is not “I’m doing X for them, so they will do X to me” - the mindset is “I’m doing X for them because seeing them happy makes me happy”. This mindset is critical.
There’s also deeper investments to be made. Focus on yourself; how your career is going and how good you look is important. Nobody wants to date someone who was destined for med school but watch them give up. Nobody wants to date a 10 and watch them turn into a 6. On the latter note, one rule we have is that flirting with other people is allowed; it’s a great way to keep us on our toes, but also keep us looking decent for the other person.
Minimum expectations are clear and well defined. We are not allowed to fight (calm down and use your brain). We are not allowed to take each other to McDonalds (put in more effort). We are not allowed to cheat on each other (no explanation needed). These are non-negotiable. You would be surprised how few couples have non-negotiables clearly defined.
Mindset
If I ever meet a girl better than Ena, I will break up with Ena and date that girl instead.
This is a statement I’ve told Ena multiple times, and I expect her to treat me the same way. At first it seems scary, but it encompasses two important points:
- We are here because we like each other
- We must keep improving
Now, you might say “if Ed Sheeran came along, you wouldn’t stand a chance!”, and that is true- Compared to Ed Sheeran, I’m a broke potato. Which is why the bar is high: The more I improve, the smaller the chance someone better can come along. The more effort I put in, the better the future looks.
Investment
It’s easy to look at someone and say “This person is better because they’re richer; because they’re younger; because they’re healthier; …” or any variety of things. But even if Rhianna came up to me at this point, I’m tired.
Ena and I have invested so much into each other. Fixing the things that annoy the other person. Pushing each other further in their careers. Sharing hobbies. Encouraging each other in sports. Growing roots through debate and vacations.
These are not things that are done overnight. These are mountains. The thought of starting over again is tiring.
What You Want
At the end of the day, seeing Ena happy makes me happy, so I put in effort to make her smile. I’m content long-term knowing that with rules in place, we’re improving for each other, and each year it gets better.
I asked Ena what she would do if we broke up, and she said she would probably take a few years off dating. The investment effort is too high. But a simple, happy relationship is the payoff you’re looking for.
🦆