I don’t take stimulants and don’t plan to, because I am of the mind that enforced neuronormativity is oppression and I don’t see the way forward to be making the oppressed like the majority.

But for doing this I have the privilege of working from home in the mornings and many other structural things that help me, like a partner who is unemployed and aids me in being a functioning worker. We have made a deal on this, he washes the dishes and I work. We are both neurospicy and so is our kid. I did study again to get here, because I could not do the type of work I previously did anymore. I have also accepted that I just can’t expect myself to live like the majority does, so these days I lean into that difference and try to embrace it.

I have also developed countless toxic mechanisms of masking after living into late adulthood as an undiagnosed audhd woman and have a few burn outs behind me. These probably “help”, but also drain me.

I have stripped all things I don’t actually have energy to do from my life. I am still in the process of figuring out what I actually like and don’t like. I rest so much more. I am learning my triggers and things that drain me. We had a workplace outing day on Friday that is supposed to invigorate us, this has cost me until today, I am still very very spent from it. In the past I might have ignored this tiredness and pushed myself to do stuff because weekend.

I try to keep my day to day as simple as possible. We often cook a big batch of food for days for example. I energy save from most things.

I have accepted that I can focus well on just one thing. I no longer try to do all the things at once. I do everything mandatory right away, because I know if I don’t I will forget it and the ADHD-tax happens. If I absolutely can’t do a thing right away, I write it down somewhere where I cannot miss it, but this already raises the chances of forgetting it a lot. I always try to stay on top of my work email because of this, I can’t let it get out if hand. I pay a bill the moment it comes if I can. These took me decades to get down. This way I don’t have to try and carry the things in my memory which often fails and drains me plus makes me anxious.

I try to accept that I can’t control this fully. I keep in mind the structural issues of neuronormativity and tell myself that in this environment functioning is made really hard for us and that it definitely is socially constructed, we are no worse than anybody else.

Sometimes my systems fail me, but I still see these as ways of trying to make things as easy for myself as possible. I don’t try to force myself into habits and into becoming neurotypical anymore because I can’t get there. It’s just a road to self-blame and frustration. I try to work with what I got and lean into the different temporality and way of life instead.

I am unlearning things I previously did just because “you should do this” too. I have also ended up learning a lot of good coping mechanisms that work for me over the years just by living my life, like exercise and music. I use a lot of environmental help in getting stuff done that motivate me. Things that others might call hedonism: If I have to read for an exam, I light a candle and put on brain rewarding music, brew myself a nice caffeinated thing to get it going for example. It doesn’t always work, but often it does. It’s good enough.

Sometimes I just procrastine on purpose and wait for the drive to do a thing to kick in, because I now know how I work. I am learning to trust my different way of doing stuff. If a particularly boring task requires three hours of idling in the inertia or procrastination, I allow it. Sometimes I can’t do anything and I have tried to learn that when this happens, I probably need to let it and just let my brain idle and browse hexbear. It usually means I need the rest. I don’t see the idling and procrastination as negatives anymore, but as parts of the different process of doing stuff I have. Because when I do stuff, it happens very fast. Probably ending up being just as “effective” as the neurotypical way.

I still sometimes grief the way I can never probably achieve “my full potential” because I just don’t have enough spoons for it. But at the same time I try to learn to appreciate the at least 15 careers and skills my neurotype has already taught me that I am actually very good at. I try to remember that the image of a motivated and driven “normal” person is scewed and manufactured by neoliberalism. Nobody has it that easy.

I use to do lists and put things in the same places, I only own a controllable amount of clothes that don’t need ironing ever, there are a lot of these little big things I do that I have just learnt over the years and by having to parent a human into adulthood, which was doable for me.

Before I knew these were adhd things, I just thought they were “quirks” that I have.

My point I suppose is that I think it is possible to do just fine without the meds, but as long as we live in a word of neuronormativity, it takes a lot of work that we shouldn’t have to do. But by being kind to ourselves and giving ourselves a break I think we can at least cope.