I’ve noticed personally just how different my mind works when I am constantly presented with data for my actions. Even though these random data points have no real affect on my life, I’m still drawn to having those numbers be bigger than before. From the votes I receive from a social media comment to the reactions from a meme posted in a discord server, all I want is more attention through a click of a button from someone else’s screen.

I hate it. It feels like my value is placed into a number. For me, I prefer my value to come from how I treat other people. I feel a far greater sense of self when I am able to put my time and effort into helping other people. I get to learn the inner workings of someone else and teach them to empower themselves. It feels rewarding when later on those people I helped express their gratitute and trust in me. That is far more rewarding compared to the quick hit from any brain chemistry when looking at a bunch of data points or a bunch of money.

Unfortunately, I can’t make money this way. Not in the way I want to learn, teach and empower other people. I’m terrified of going into a career that will destroy my innate desire to help others. I know it’ll wreck me in the process. Again.

Capitalism destroys everything it touches by sucking all the life, creativity and humanity out of it until there’s a empty shell left behind. An empty shell that looks like every other empty shell. All those empty shells can be counted, given a value and sold. Reducing us and the human experience to yet another data point.

I truly hope more people come to understand that these data points don’t have to put us in a competitions with each other. That our value as people can come from places that don’t have/need to be from a number value.

One day, our planet will die. One day the last historian will die and all that data and preserved knowledge will sit and decay. It’s human knowledge and it’s meaning has more value to humans than any other living creature on our planet.

Personally, I’d rather live a life where my actions are responsible for the wellbeing of myself, my community and the land under my feet. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if my value can’t be reduced to a number.

I know it’s not about me, but this definitelt cleared up why i run from people in my free time.

They always express how they think i do things, like i’m at work or something. While i do things for joy, i take a detour home on my roadbike because the speed i can propel myself at brings me joy and a bit of a thrill too. The scenery is also very enjoyable.

But then another roadcyclist shows up and tells me how i’m doing it all wrong, how speed isn’t a good measurement of performance.

Fuck yo performance brother, stop. It ruins my fun.

Same reason we allow rich walk over us and kill our planet, its easier to just not do anything about it. Its also hard to do anything when you dont know what to do and have nowhere to turn to for support. Sadly its group effort and price of not doing anything is hell.

Powerful and saddening. It does feel like, as an artist, everything revolves around how good others think you are. I try to go around it by only performing others people’s work, but also then, you’re dependent on those people wanting to work with you or not. Still dependent. Always dependent, as an artist, which is so so heavy.