The love of my life died when she was 38. Our four children were 15, 13, 11 and 9 at the time. They’re currently 22, 24, 26, 28. I did my best that I knew how to do. I know it is not what they deserved. I could never take her place.
I do not think that I can impart, with words, how hard it was keeping her from the things that would harm her most. Aa time goes on, the trauma hits me harder, as I let it in, little by little.
I love my late wife. I love the mother of my children. Keeping her from hurting herself was… Difficult.
The wracking sobs as I called 911, while performing CPR on her. It’s been almost 15 years and it’s still traumatizing.
Her mother blames me for her death. To be honest. She might be right. I didn’t keep her baby safe. I could have tried harder. I could have insisted on her being committed. I could have abrogated her right to self determination. But I didn’t. And that’s on me.
But I can’t tell her mother that. Or her sons or daughter.
Instead. I tell you. Thanks for listening.
Don’t beat yourself up. The hardest and best lesson I ever learned is that you cannot control the actions of another adult, full stop.
Even when you know they are on a destructive path. Even when you have the answers.
You can voice your concern and keep trying to do so, but you cannot control what another adult does or chooses not to do.
It’s not on you to keep another adult safe. Don’t put that on yourself.
This right here. It’s a very important lesson for any relatives of addicts.
You are the partner or the child or the parent of this addict. You are not them, and you are not their therapist. As a relative you may be further away from a “solution” or a “healing” than any other person on earth. Don’t destroy yourself because someone else is destroying himself. Be there for the addict, and be there for yourself.
It’s not a nice lesson but it’s important.
You cannot hold yourself responsible for what your late wife did.
A friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago, and the night he did it, I was supposed to play a game with him on steam, the same game we played each week.
But I had a young baby at that time that didn’t sleep well, so that night, I told him I couldn’t play this week because I was really tired and we would play next week.
I wondered if that would’ve happen if I played with him that night. Sometimes, its all it takes to change the course, just as it takes only one moment of weakness to take your life.
But I cannot hold myself accountable for something that he did.
From your account, you’ve tried your best. But in the end, your wife did the act, not you.
You’ve done your best, and that didn’t change the outcome. No one has the right to tell you its your fault.
Her mother lost her baby that day, but four children lost their mother, you lost the love of your life, and your family was forever changed.
It’s easy to dwell on what wasn’t done at that moment, but we easily forget all the efforts we’ve put until that day and after.
This is a terrible situation and I hope that you can find the support you need to help you get through this. Best of luck.
Thank you. What you just said was the support I needed.
I just want you to know how full of grace this post is. Thank you for sharing it
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Wow, I’m sorry for your loss. And like you said, you did your best.
Aa time goes on, the trauma hits me harder, as I let it in, little by little.
I’m concerned by this. Dealing with this trauma is unimaginable, but I don’t think it should be getting worse. Have you tried therapy? I don’t want to come across as “get over it”, but I bet your wife would want you to confront it and live your best life…
Yeah, the kids and I all have gone to therapy, but we all occasionally have “flare-ups” of grief. I guess mine tend to focus more on guilt that I know (and have worked through) I don’t deserve. Not only writing it down but laying it bare for strangers is the best therapy (for me).
In retrospect, you could’ve done some things differently. That will always be the conclusion when something doesn’t go the way we want it to. Whether or not those things would’ve helped, nobody can tell. Maybe they would’ve made things worse.
You did your best, and that is what matters. You were there for your children and faced the difficult task of not only coping with your own loss, but also helping your children process their grief and raise them to be the adults they are now. Don’t let your feeling of guilt consume yourself. This is a (first?) step in the right direction.
It’s awful of her mother to blame you, but there’s nothing you can so about that I guess.
You did good.
You aren’t responsible for another person’s choices, you can’t make anyone do or NOT do anything. You have carried on without giving up, sacrificing for the kids who needed someone to pick up the pieces. You didn’t try to justify yourself to correct your grieving (and perhaps guilt-ridden) mother-in-law.
I hope you have someone to hug you, to hold you while you cry all the tears you need to cry, and then keep holding you until you’re ready to sit alone. Therapy, yes. Hopefully those kids too, because you all went through the trauma together.
But you helped. You did good.
That was a devastating read. Not trying to cry this early wtf. Wish i had something to say that was helpful, I’m always bad at that. Thank you for sharing this.
I have lived with close family members with severe mental health issues all my life.
It is hard to accept you cannot change people, you cannot save them from themselves. Even if you know what is right for them, you can’t force them to change or get better. Only they can decide to tackle their mental health issues. All you can do is support them and help them do that.
So no, your partner’s suicide is not your fault. It was a choice she made, even if her mind was darkened and ill. It is not your fault and it is not something you can second guess.
It is pointless second guessing what might have been if you had done x or y. You and your partner were living your lives as you felt best in the moment. You were not her health professional or her social worker, you were her husband. It is an impossible position for you to be in to decide whether she should be committed etc.
Your mother-in-law is wrong to blame you and you are wrong to blame yourself.
You should seek counselling to deal with these feelinga - the feelings of guilt and also the flash backs to the traumatic end.
Mental illness takes a heavy toll not just on their person who is ill, but on all those around them. That includes you. Please seek counselling or therapy. Talking about this with someone who can help you through can be enormously beneificial to healing. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 15 years. There is always today to change your life for the better, to make tomorrow and the days after better.
Your wife did not chose the path of healing for whatever reason, and you could not make her do that. But your mental health and your life is in your hands. So do the thing you could not make her do - seek the help you need to heal. Stop suffering in silence.
I can totally appreciate the guilt you are feeling, it’s human to look at all the things one might have changed when something tragic happens. But at the same time, when a person is suffering, there is only so much other people can do to help another. Really.
As an outside observer, you late wife’s mom is saying shitty things because she’s wracked by grief and misses her daughter. It’s easier for her to blame someone else than to face the grief, and possibly face that she too had a part to play in her daughter’s health and wellbeing. Who is to say that with better upbringing as a child, your late wife might have made different choices? I’m not saying your mother in law is at fault, much as she shouldn’t be saying it was your fault either!
Anyway, look, whatever happened was a fucking tragedy and all you can do is to deal with a day at a time. I’m sure there was happiness, so focus on that and remember that a part of your wife lives on in your four children, so keep on going for their sake.
There is no shame in fighting the hard fight and losing anyway. And there is nothing but honor in picking up the broken pieces and carrying on.
Nobody can do better than the best they can do in that moment. I hope you find freedom and peace from the woulda shoulda couldas.
