you’re a peasant and the year is uh, fuckin 80 or something. jesus is dead but hasn’t been for all too long. you also don’t know what a jesus is.
scratch that, you’re a goblin now.
what do you do?
current status:
level 1 goblin
hp: 4/4 (8 base, -2 from worms, -2 from tired)
stealth: 3
shenanigans: 1
status: is a goblin, below average amount of worms in intestines, tired (Just ran back and forth from dennis and the castle over and over)
atk: 4.25 (3.25 base, 2 from goblin sized dagger, -1 from tired)
inventory
Sturdy Looking Stick (.25 atk)
Goblin Sized Dagger (2 Atk, Equipped)
1 Ye Flask (Flask adorned with Kanye West) which contains brimstone, salt, and coal all crushed together. It’s not a bomb.
10 ounces of saltpeter
notes
location: outside of castle
drew a weiner with poop on a castle wall. same spot you pissed on actually.
i’m zinc deficient? brb gotta go suck on some rocks to get rid of the debuff
fuck you rolled a 19.
you uh, manage to suck on a rock made of about 40% zinc. your zinc deficiency debuff has been cured.
-Zinc Deficiency Debuff
+3 HP and Max HP
+.25 Atk
hell yeah
What is in my general area? Do I see any nobles around?
you look around. you’re in a public space in your village or hamlet or settlement or whatever.
there’s some other peasants, someone’s peeing in a ditch and someone’s swallowing an entire orange.
about 800 meters away there is a castle, though, you don’t see any obvious nobility just lounging about.
Can I roll to piss on the castle, pls?
alright, you roll a 13.
you successfully manage to jog for 5 minutes, then release your bladder onto the castle walls. nobody’s really at this part of the castle walls.
your piss does smell bad, but you have also never showered in your life, so, to you it doesn’t smell like much of anything.
Hehehe
.I introduce myself to @Dolores@hexbear.net and ask about the zinc rock
you introduce yourself to yourself and ask yourself about the zinc rock.
it didn’t taste great or anything. kinda like mud. but it made you feel slightly better.
I begin gathering all the various pieces of dung on the ground and putting them into my inventory
unfortunately there’s not that much dung in this area, as you are right outside of the castle walls and someone cleans up any poop that shows up.
you do find a single rolled up ball from a dung beetle. the beetle is upset about this.
you have obtained 1x small dung ball.
Eat dung ball
the peasant you are sending these thoughts to think that this isn’t a good idea. What do you do?
I’ll show this peasant who’s in charge here. Wander the walls until you see someone remotely clean looking and hand them the dung ball at if it’s a treasured heirloom
you roll a 10.
you manage to find one of the workers tending to the exterior of the castle and hand them the dung ball, telling them to treasure this.
they ask you to leave the premises.
I do not, and i stare at the dung in their hand expectantly. I refuse and resist any attempts to remove me
the worker simply walks away. Do you follow them, or wish to do something else?
Kill frodo
what’s frodo
Smoke pipeweed
You rolled an 18, which is good but not enough to spontaneously generate an item you don’t have.
Throw pippin in mount doom
Get ye flask
You rolled a 16.
You have managed to manifest “ye flask”. It is a flask adorned with the image of Kanye West. You have no idea what a flask nor what a kanye is.
Find a weird old wizard and try to get turned into little goblin
you enter the dennis and ask for a “weird old wizard”
the lady at the front looks at you strangely.
become goblin
you… fucking hell. you roll a 20.
I’M NOT KIDDING. I WANTED TO KEEP THIS RELATIVELY GROUNDED. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO JUST MAKE GOBLIN NOISES AND GET KICKED OUT OF THE DENNIS.
okay you’re a goblin now. i know that technically there isn’t a 5% chance of manifesting goblinhood but, fine, whatever, we’re a goblin now.
status: +is a goblin
+2 atk, -2hp
+3 stealth
+1 shenanigans (schemes, chicanery, hijinx etc. become more effective)
+goblin sized dagger (+2 atk)
+hoo hoo hee hee
Are there any slimes nearby so I can gain some XP?
there’s a bee hive nearby, which is arguably a slime in some respects.
I don’t want to fight a bee hive with my bare hands.
Is there any treasure lying around? If not, I guess I’ll dig up some worms, since I have a below average amount.
you do find a sturdy looking stick, and you add that to your inventory.
+.25 atk while equipped
i set out to gather some saltpetre, charcoal and sulfur for no particular reason.
you find salt, coal, and you don’t know where to get any sulfur.
+2 tbsp Salt +1 Lump of Coal
that’s fine then i search around for some brimstone one of the locals should have some. also i said saltpetre not table salt, it’s fine though. i go back to the spot where i peed (which is conveniently marked by the weiner drawing) and dig. there should be some urine deposits there that have turned into saltpetre.
You walk up to the lady at the dennis and ask her if they have any brimstone.
Given that you just rolled a 20, she said that she just has some that you can have (it’s stinky and she doesn’t want it).
+3 Chunks of Brimstone
You exit the dennis and head back to the castle.
you approach the weiner drawing, but there’s two guards patrolling the area.
ask the guards if you can use the pissing area. if they accept dig whatever place they point to and extract some saltpetre.
I SWEAR TO GOD. I AM NOT INFLATING THE AMOUNT OF 20S. THIS IS THE THIRD 20 I ROLLED.
Guard: “Why, of course, Gobby the Goblin! You can use the pissing area that’s helpfully marked.”
You dig up 10 ounces of perfectly intact saltpeter.
Go Dennis
you’re at dennis
I draw a weiner on a Roman statue
there’s no statue, but you’re close enough to the castle and that’s kind of close enough to a statue. you use your dung ball to draw a small weiner on the side of the building.
-1 small dung ball
Crush my 3 brimstone and coal lump and gently mix them together with my salt to make black powder. Fill Ye Flask with the dried powder and use this bomb to blow a hole in the wall so the goblin horde can overtake the city.
you rolled an 8, so, the mixture does not come together to form black powder. why would it? it would’ve only worked on 20s and only because 20s have the ability to warp space and time.
anyways, you have a foul concoction in the ye flask.
of course it doesn’t normal salt doesn’t have nitrate in it now i gotta save it somehow.
ok so now put some clean well water in the flask. mix well and empty out the liquid. the solid stuff left inside the flask should be the leftovers of the brimstone and coal. empty out the soggy leftovers and spread it and put it in front of the sun to dry. clean the flask as well.
it’s been about a day and it’s done drying.
haha. well now grind the saltpetre and fill 3/4 of the flask with it. grind the dried contents as well until it’s a fine powder then fill the rest of flask with it. mix very very gently with the stick, and finally put some small length of rope in it and close the flask. tada you got a bomb. after that idk what to do maybe go along with the previous suggestion.
Is there anything inside my ye flask?
Yes. You just put salt, coal, and brimstone in there and crushed it.
i tell lady that if she doesnt show me wizard i will give her lump of coal for ______mas
given that you’re already a goblin now, do you want to stick to asking for the wizard or naw
oops page mustnt have loaded right
go back to dennis and tell lady that if she doesn’t tell me the true meaning of ______mas I will give her lump of coal for ______mas
she doesn’t know the true meaning of _____mas. You also don’t have the coal anymore, someone else used it to try and make black powder and failed.
I turn off the game, go outside and
you can do that but the peasant that this forum is connected to is already outside. or was outside like 2000 years ago.
Oh so they’re dead already gg
