Hi. We’re Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider. Are you looking for a fast, reliable Internet connection? A large selection of your favorite HD-TV channels? With 24/7 access to the best customer support technicians? All at a fair price?

Fuck you.

~You’ll take what we give you.~

You’ll have the option of “choosing" from several of our completely unwarranted rip-offs, including Internet speeds up to 200 times slower than Korea, at twice the price, TV packages with 500 channels, 90% of which you can’t view, and we guarantee a plethora of hidden fees. Then, our barely-trained technicians will come to install your services somewhere between the hours of 8 AM and 10 PM, knock once while you’re in the shower, and promptly leave.

And once we finally do get your service up and running, it’ll be down and limping within 3 hours.

Indefinitely!

Why, you ask? Simple.

We are part of what is called an oligopoly. It’s like a monopoly, only legal. See, in closed-door meetings with 4 or 5 of the other major providers, we’ve secretly agreed not to have different prices, allowing us to completely eliminate any competition, and collectively raise our prices to optimum cockbag levels, because we here at Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider don’t believe in customer satisfaction; we believe in money. Pools of money.

Looking for a better deal? You can obble-gobble down our balls. You’re paying for it.

Your Local High-Speed Internet and Cable Provider.

“You won’t like it, and there’s no other option!”