I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let’s call her Liz for simplicity’s sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn’t show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I’m back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display…) It truly felt as though I’d left her place ‘yesterday.’ We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I’ve been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I’m a fucking moron. She’s always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She’s always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I’d fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me…
So now I’m back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she’ll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
First thing’s first: Chill the fuck out. Yes, it’s easier said than done. But, restrain yourself and look to your anxiety and insecurity. 24 hrs after 12 years is nothing (even if it feels like an eternity).
Second thing: You need to evaluate and manage your expectations as well as conceptualization of this woman. She is literally just another human being. It’s been 12 years so, you don’t know who she is now and vice-versa. Everyone changes over time as we mature and experience things in life. Don’t rush into expecting that maybe you’ll have a romantic relationship without even knowing the woman. Chat and hangout, if she’s interested. Catch-up.
Before you even consider whether you’re potentially interested in a romantic relationship with this person, be honest and consider whether you’re ok as just friends. And I DON’T mean the “friend” who is desperately waiting for their female friend to start reciprocating romantic feelings. That kind of “friends” is extremely unfair to the person on the other side and it feels very dishonest because it’s not being there to be their friend, it’s being there to be hope that they change their mind. This is real life, not a bullshit rom-com. Don’t girlfriend-zone someone.
Once you’ve concluded whether you could just be friends, you’re ready. Be straightforward and ask if she was interested in being romantically involved, being clear on whether you are willing to be platonic. Accept her answer and move on with life, whether that’s dating a bit more, hanging out a bit, or never seeing eachother again.
Finally, and very importantly: Forget all of that bullshit Hollywood rom-com and sitcom romance crap. It’s pure garbage that does not portray healthy relationships and social interactions. “The One That Got Away” as a concept is extremely unhealthy and toxic to other romantic relationships and your own mental and social health. It might not sound pretty or make a “hopeless romantic” happy but the truth is, there is no “The One” even. There are many potential "The One"s out there and the compatibility may or may not persist as you and they change.
Now, please don’t take this as attacking you or anything. This is stuff that I, as an awkward nerdy youth with an untreated neurodivergent brain had to learn myself in my early 20s. I’d rather share the learnings yourself and others in how that they can avoid some of the awkwardness, self- torture, and unintentional neglect destruction of friendships with awesome people due to being stuck in the myopic state of not understanding how terrible popular portrayals of relationships are.
Best of Luck! I hope you feel better and are able to have some good times with the old friend.
Hey, thank you so very much for this!
I can assure you the only romanticisation of the whole situation happened with the encouragement of the fact that I was in no way actually expecting for the reconnect to be this easy and natural from the start. That’s also what determined me to go into panicked analysis mode, I used to be a hopeless romantic stemming from codependent traits, which I’ve been managing away from my life for some years.
The bit about The One That Got Away is there because it conveys who she is to me easier than explaining that we spent 5 years basically living together in the same dorm with standing invitations to eachother’s rooms and lives (not that she needed any invitation to barge into my life and settle there:)) ). She’d been living in the middle of my privacy since day one of University and is the only person I know with whom I wasn’t ashamed to talk about anything. Other than artistic license, believe me, I’m being as rational as I possibly can right now, for the exact reasons you’ve stated. I really don’t want to run a false flag op on her because she was one of my closest friends and I still care and respect her deeply from this perspective.
I have pondered this and have decided to go with it wherever it leads. I can, indeed, still be just friends with her and if we’re still compatible enough to remain friends, then I’d rather have that than nothing at all. Plus it tracks with my “try to let life happen” homework from my therapist:)) She also brought this up herself, saying that I shouldn’t expect anything because she’s in a “selfish” phase, trying to get herself financially well off and stable first and foremost and doesn’t have the time for relationships. And I can respect that, I’ve been in a similar phase of figuring out exactly what I want my life to look like from now on for a year. May be different goals, but similarly exploratory and resource intensive processes. And we’re still spending hours on the phone talking about random stuff, the interactions are still just as good as I remembered them, so it feels really nice to have her in my life again.
Gonna go crash at hers for a week in September with the sole purpose of having the first me-vacation in my life, then we’ll see what life brings. Plus she’s always been the gregarious sort, so I’ll at least get to meet some interesting people along the way.