So it’s important to start with the key details. The first point of contact is usually a receptionist or someone in a similar role. These people are gatekeepers but they can so be very helpful in directing you to the right person or in bumping you up in priority if you say the right things.

The first step is to know what service you are looking at and what support they provide.

A legal aid organisation is probably only going to have a list of mental health crisis services and DV support services that they’ll have printed off, so if you go to them and you either seem to be needing support in this respect or you lean into this angle too much, most reception staff will bounce you to another service that they feel is more suitable based on what you have said.

So, know who you are calling and have a rough idea of what you are looking for.

Where possible, do the cursory reading available on their website so you aren’t just asking for something extremely general; try to be as specific as possible with what you want from them or what you are seeking support for.

For example, calling a legal aid organisation and saying your friend needs help because she has been SAed will probably get a response where they will tell you to call the police or victim support services. If you tell them that your friend is being victimised by their landlord and that you are seeking info about ways that she can get legal advice for her situation about breaking her tenancy and for protecting herself within the bounds of the law, you are almost guaranteed to get a much better and more useful response from them.

Make sure that you don’t dump all of your woes on the reception staff, they hate it and they can’t do much about it. Unfortunately you don’t want to come off as a time-waster (sucks that some front desk staff have this attitude but it is what it is) or as someone who isn’t serious. You are welcome to call hotlines and support services that offer support to friends and family of victims of DV & SA if you need to vent or to help sort out what’s going on for you because of this, and I’d encourage you to do this, but avoid dumping everything on reception staff.

Instead be direct:

Tell them that you are calling on behalf of a friend, that they aren’t in immediate danger, that they are [age] and that they have disclosed that they have been intentionally and repeatedly SAed by their landlord and as they are disabled, on a fixed income, with specific accessibility needs for their housing (?), and socially isolated/with little support from family (?) that they are currently in very difficult circumstances. I’d recommend providing basic relevant info about the disability too - permanent wheelchair user, intellectual disability, the sort of info that indicates particular needs or vulnerabilities. Don’t provide the laundry list of diagnoses - reception staff probably don’t care if she has generalised anxiety disorder or diabetes but if there are particular conditions that make accessing services, self-advocacy, and responding to emergencies significantly more difficult for her then they’ll appreciate you informing them. (On that note, if there are other barriers such as a language divide where she will likely need an interpreter or if there’s issues of cultural sensitivity to be taken into consideration, it’s worth mentioning it.)

Then immediately proceed to tell them what you want from them or what information you need from them. Ideally without letting them get a word in edgewise:

“I want to know more about what legal aid she would have access to and what the next steps would be for her to get this” or “I would like information about what I can do to help her the next time her landlord will be in direct contact with her” or “I have specific questions about what she is within her rights to do as a tenant such as changing the locks on her doors without supplying keys to the landlord” or “I would like more information about what advocacy services you would be able to provide my friend in this situation.”

That sort of thing. Obviously pitch it at the right person/service. Asking for legal info about tenants’ rights at the mental health crisis service isn’t the way to go about it. Also note that asking reception staff to provide you with legal advice or to engage in crisis planning with you isn’t going to be suitable.

The next thing is to take no for an answer but don’t let them end the conversation there.

If they tell you that they aren’t able to provide a particular service or a certain type of support, ask them which organisation can. Ask them if they know of any other services that they can recommend based on her current circumstances/needs.

You may need to ask info about referral processes, although for crisis services and DV & SA services they almost invariably accept self-referral. This is as simple as asking “Do you accept self-referral?” or “What is the referral process for this service?”

I would also recommend her applying for the Ontario Special Priority Policy asap. You can find the Housing Services Manager local to her here:

http://www.ontario.ca/page/find-your-local-service-manager

You might have to do a bit of advocacy to get her to qualify for this as the policy is abysmal and it basically only recognises relationship violence within families and households but not abusers who can have coercive control (e.g. employers and landleeches). But if you can make a case for her being physically dependent upon her landlord then you’re in.

The situation may constitute human trafficking under Canadian law. Once she is connected up with the immediate services, I’d encourage her to reach out to the Canada Human Trafficking Hotline to get their advice about whether her circumstances meet the legal definition. I’d recommend her talking this through with a counsellor first so that she can have a chance to sort through things, especially the emotional aspects, and so she can approach this the right way. The realisation that she may be considered a victim of sex trafficking might hit her pretty hard so you want to make sure she has the right supports in place before broaching this subject with her.

If she does meet the legal definition of sex trafficking then she will definitely be eligible for the Ontario Special Priority Policy. If she doesn’t, unfortunately she might need to escalate the situation slightly (refusing him access to her home, recording him the next time he is in her presence, collecting kompromat where he threatens to kick her out unless she lets him SA her again or by baiting him into acknowledging what he has done to her previously [e.g. sending him a text stating “I don’t want to let you in my house because of what you did to me the last times” - unfortunately perpetrators thrive on implicit admissions of vulnerability like this from their victims so saying “Please don’t touch me the next time you come to my house” is going to be more likely to get you a response that is admissible evidence rather than saying “If you fucking dare to come into my house without notice I will immediately introduce you to my 9mm friend who is desperate to meet you because I have a right to defend myself from home invasion and if there’s someone at my door who is unlocking it without knocking or calling me first then I’m going to treat that as a home invasion and I will act accordingly. Don’t fucking try me.” would] that sort of thing. I think if she says no and it is heavily implied that it’s about sex then he responds with a threat about evicting her then that might just seal the deal for this scumbag). With regards to kompromat, try to get him to acknowledge or at least fail to deny what happened in previous SAs, such as stating to him that last time she told him no or that she resisted or she didn’t agree until he threatened her safety or housing and so on.

It’s hard to say much else in a general sense but if you are trying to access particular services or supports but you are facing significant hurdles or you’re getting rebuffed then if you give me more info I’ll be able to give you advice specific to that particular situation.

Just wanted to finish this off with some basic advice that wouldn’t fit within the character limit of the last comment:

It’s really hard for victims of abuse to reach out, and it’s even harder for victims of abuse to leave their situation. Try to be patient, non-judgmental, and understanding. If you feel yourself becoming frustrated or impatient, step back and detach from it so you can refresh and then reengage when you have the capacity to do so from a place of compassion and patience. You don’t want to feed into her feelings of shame, guilt, and helplessness because you are slipping into impatience or a judgemental attitude as this will risk compounding the problem.

It’s important to try and approach every interaction from a place of building the empowerment of the victim. You cannot always do this but there’s a trap that can emerge where a person who has experienced significant victimisation relies on others to rescue them or to tell them what to do. While it’s important that she gets out of this situation, it’s also really important that she doesn’t adopt a mentality where she relies on others to tell her what she has to do and what is right and wrong - this may be fine if she is surrounded by people who only have the most principled adherence to ethics and her best interests in mind for the rest of her life but this is the real world we’re talking about and she’s going to encounter predators again in the future, so you want to encourage her to trust in herself and to rely on her judgement and her own autonomy so that if she ever finds herself being drawn into a situation like this in the future, she won’t just do what someone else tells her and she won’t count on others to tell her what is okay. Replacing malicious control over an adult victim with benevolent control just sets them up for the next person who wants to have malicious control over them. It sounds like tough love, and I guess in some ways it is, but try to adopt the grandma approach - believe in her, encourage her, celebrate every achievement no matter how small, recognise the effort she puts in even if things don’t turn out, when she encounters failure encourage her to keep at it, and especially allow her the dignity of risk.

Utilise counselling and support services yourself. Depending on how close you are to her and what services are available, a lot of DV oriented services offer support for friends and family members. Use them if they are available. They will help guide you to ensure that you are providing support in the right ways, that you aren’t causing unintentional harm, and if you are getting burnt out or you are getting drawn into a codependent sort of arrangement they’ll be able to help you spot it and to take steps to step out of this pattern. It might not feel like you are worthy or high enough priority for you to seek support from a DV counsellor but believe me when I say that virtually any DV counsellor is going to be overjoyed that they are working with a client who wants to learn how to support someone close to them in extricating themselves from an abusive situation; DV counsellors know that they cannot save victims, they know that around every victim is a community of people who turn a blind eye/feel too uncomfortable or too uninformed to work on addressing the situation/think that they have all the answers for how to address this very complicated situation, they know that any effort they put into working with you is going to make the community a safer place - if everyone knew the signs of abuse and what to do when someone is being abused then the rates of abuse would plummet.
(I know this isn’t a DV situation in the strict sense of familial/intimate partner violence but it fits within a broader umbrella of a figure of authority using coercive power over their victim to abuse them and so the general approach along with the risks and the ways to support your friend remain essentially the same, even though the label of DV isn’t a perfect fit.)