Usually when someone is venting at me, I feel like I should respond somehow and say something, but I have no idea what that something could/should be. Is it better to just listen or try to comfort them in some way?
I’ve had this happen quite a few times to me, and I’ve come to the best question for this.
“Do you want to just vent or would you like advice?”
Some people just need to get it off their chest and talk to something, IT professionals call this The Rubber Duck Effect, helps them work through the problem by explaining it to someone else. Asking if they’d like advice or just vent lets you know what kinds of questions to ask. You do still need to be listening but hopefully this helps!
Bingo. Just ask if they want an ear or to help solve a problem
I’ve not heard it called The Rubber Duck Effect, but I do this quite often. Usually end the conversation with “Well, I answered my own question, never mind”.
In general, the best is to show that you listen and that you care. Sometimes trying to comfort them is good, but this depends so much on the person and situation that it’s hard to generalise.
If they’re venting and don’t want advice, just show fellow feeling.
- man that blows
- why would they think that’s a good idea?!
- they’re such dicks
- how did they think you were going to react?!
- etc. You can also ask questions to help the person unload more, or to understand what’s made them so mad they need to vent. You’re not trying to fix a problem. You’re trying to help your friend scream into the void and feel heard and supported. Especially if they don’t feel heard at the source of their problem.
For me, one reason that I get frustrated with advisors is that they offer level one of advice when I’ve already tried levels one - three hundred of solutions. I feel slightly condescended to, and then I have to tactfully explain why their solution isn’t feasible. Then I end up feeling like a dick for shooting down their help. Or, I can nod, smile, say thanks, that’s a good idea, and walk away still feeling unheard and misunderstood.
Generally listening is best but there’s no universal answer to a question like this. People are complex. Some people want to be consoled, some people want feedback, some people want to be challenged, etc
But a general first line of defense is hear them out, comfort when appropriate, and don’t make it about you (“oh that’s crazy it’s like this one time I…”)
Just say contextually appropriate listening-interjections that validate their feelings. Things like, “WTF?” “Rude!” “How awful,” “Oof that’s stressful,” a disapproving hmmm, etc.
Imagine you’re a dustpan without a bottom: the dust of their venting gets swept in, but falls right back out without sticking to anything. Most importantly, don’t try to fix their feelings. That’s not your job. Your job is to meet them where they are, as they are. (And if, for whatever reason, you can’t, I’ve used the phrasing of, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t be a good audience for that. Do you need suggestions for finding other support?”)
This. I try to agree along for a bit. Often, once people get it out they’re able to laugh a little, so when it gets close to the end (theirs or mine) i usually say something like, “Those MF bastards!! Do they even know who they’re dealing with?!”
“That’s rough buddy.”
For more useful advice, see all the other comments.
Very helpful if your friend’s girlfriend turned into a moon.
“Uh huh” “Yeah” “Wow” “Uh oh” “Daaamn…” and “Holy fuck!” are my general go-tos.
“I haven’t pooped in 3 days”
The main thing is that you don’t pull attention. Don’t try to share stories about similar things you’ve gone through immediately, start like others have said - noises that indicate you’re listening. Look up reflective listening skills and do those things.
If they seem to want advice, you can ask, “Hey, I don’t wanna give you any advice if you don’t want it. I can keep just listening, but your (pause / frustration / whatever) makes it seem like you might be looking for a possible solution …” And then see what they say.
I think listening behaviors are quite culturally based as well. For example:
Here in the Appalachian mountains, suppose two guys are talking to each other, perhaps both leaning on a fence. The guy who is listening doesn’t watch the speaker the entire time. They don’t make occasional noises either.
My buddy asks if I want to hear a story about some trouble he had recently with a neighbor. I nod and look at him “Yea”. He then proceeds to look forward, out across the field and I do the same. Buddy says something that I support, like what he did that started the trouble. I nod, quietly, or even make that “this is ok” face. If I make that face, it’s like saying “That makes sense to me, nothing unreasonable about that”. Unless he says something that you know he expects support for, then you just motionlessly stare into the foreground.
If he tells me something the neighbor did that angered him, I will look at him and make the astonished face, he will look at me and nod, then he verbally confirms it as we go back to staring at the field. He will go on about it some, and I will quietly lower my head a little and shake it back forth to show my disbelief in how crappy his neighbor is.
Then whatever conclusion he comes up with, I’ll either say, “hell yeah, that’s what I’d do” or “whoa I dunno about that all that now” or something similar. The cues for listening and the correct responses to them will vary probably within subcultures.
I think the best response is to acknowledge their feelings, like “that must’ve sucked” “yeah I can see how that is frustrating”, because that is usually what venting is about, to have someone sympathise with you so you don’t bottle it all up.
I find that it’s good to ask questions that allow them to vent further.
I don’t know if it’s the “right” thing to do, if there’s ever one right thing… But I usually offer something that validates their feelings, like “That really sucks,” or “They sound like a jerk.” Only if it’s someone I know well and I can read what they’re looking for, I might then comfort, offer advice, or talk about something to cheer them up.
Listen and be supportive. If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
It is really important to ask before offering advice/solutions, because doing so can make someone feel like you are trivializing their problem, or that they can’t solve it themselves.
If you feel the need to solve, of think they are looking for a solution, ask. “Are you venting or looking for advice?”
"Would you like a hug, or a solution?
I agree with most of the posts here. It’s best to just listen and try to mirror imo. However I find it can be so difficult because I don’t want to … Sound like a bot. Like I don’t want to just keek saying the same thing over and over or just repeat their words.
“I’m sorry this happened.” “That really sucks.”
I end up feeling like an NPC with 3 dialogue choices being spammed.
But otherwise I do try my best just to simply listen and sympathize.
Ask them. “You sound angry/sad/frustrated” are you just wanting to vent? Because I can relate to that feeling and I’m all ears."
I’ve heard something recently that can help.
If you aren’t sure you can ask the person do you want me to offer advice, get mad on your behalf, or just listen.
Obviously depends how well you know the person, but you can consider what they normally want. I don’t have a more elegant way of asking though.
