I used to play games, but now I only think about the time I’m wasting. I used to like food, but now I only think about how many calories are in it. I’d rather watch a TV show I’ve seen a million times than watch anything new. I read about a book a month but the minutes before I pick up the page feel like procrastinating a shower when the hot water is busted. I did a lot of exercise this week but now I’m left wondering if it was really worth the oxygen.
It… didn’t used to be like this. I’d be happy just going to school, playing games until way too late, talking to my online friends and doing the same thing the next day. Maybe it’s because back then I had graduation in mind as a long term objective. But now, the only certainty left for me is the inevitable fate of every living creature. I’m lonely. At school you’re forced to meet the same 30-100 people every day, but I’ve never been worth going out of anyone’s way. I have almost no social contacts that charge my battery rather than deplete it.
I feel like I should keep trying new things. But honestly, all that’s good in my life was given to me by chance (or a deity if you believe in one). Every time I have actively tried to better things it either changed nothing or made things worse. I’m so tired.
Has anyone “been there” and turned the ship around?
Yes, totally been there! It fucking sucks, as you know. I hate exercising but I try & do it most days bc I gained weight in the last year. I’m not happy with myself, but who can change that? Only me. No one else is gonna do it for me. Same with trying to go sober. When I look back at workouts done in the last week, it makes me feel a little better to see the progress bc some is better than none. I physically don’t want to be this way & I have the ability to change it, so fuck it, why not? Maybe it is pointless, but @ least I gave it a shot.
I miss my friends, as well. Everyone has a family now or is far away. I struggle with the whole “why should I reach out to them if they haven’t reached out to me” dilemma. Whatever, nothing matters anymore so let me just send a text and let them know I’m thinking of them. Should an organic hang out session manifest, then so be it. If it doesn’t, then meh, at least they know I was thinking of them.
We have nothing but time to waste until the inevitable end. Whether you choose to watch the same shows over and over (high-five bc I do the same), or meet up w ppl you actually like, or read a new book, it doesn’t matter. It’s really fucked but it’s the truth 🤷🏼♀️
I hope you reach your bottom soon bc there’s nowhere to go from there, but 🆙 I hit mine 3 weeks ago & things haven’t been too bad since. Always around if you need to bend an ear. Good luck 🍀
I really appreciate the thorough reply. Thanks a lot, buddy! I adore your attitude. And I’m glad to hear thinks are looking up since you’ve hit rock bottom. I totally believe in you bro.
Yeah, I became an inpatient at a private mental health hospital. I can’t tell you how quickly I tried to convince myself I didn’t belong there and how everyone had real problems and I’m not like them.
It was nice doing some group therapy to just see other people. There’s something amazing about not needing to explain what you’re going through and just having others know. It’s not the same thing as others but yeah … a mix of therapy and change of environment and antidepressants got me out.
We did share this video when I had a bit of my imposter syndrome in there: https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc if you haven’t seen it before I recommend it.
I really appreciate your insight and sharing your own personal experience. Thanks for the video, I like the analogy of the black dog. It helps to have an image of what you’re up against.
I struggled with this for many years and surprisingly the fix was an herbal supplement. Completely changed my life. I’m actually playing through my backlog of games, watching all the movies and shows on my list, going out to new places, socializing, and not worrying about every little thing over and over. Life feels good now instead of just being a haze.
Sounds like the placebo works then.
I don’t think that’s it. I’ve tried many prescribed medications, vitamins, and other supplements in the past without any luck.
I’m now wondering if “herbal supplement” is the wrong term but I’m not familiar enough with medicine to be sure. It’s GABA and L-Theanine.
What’s the name of the product?
I buy the Amazon branded version, it just says GABA and the other says L-Theanine.
L-Theanine is derived from green tea, and GABA is synthesized in a lab using fungi or bacteria metabolism.
One is herbal, the other isn’t. Both have peer reviewed medical journal publications regarding effectiveness, but neither are for what you think they affect (hint: neither affect depression, like at all).
So your placebo worked.
The publications you linked showed a clear correlation with reducing stress and improving sleep. That matches exactly with what I’ve described - I stress less and enjoy life more. Why are you intent on proving that this is a placebo? And what is your explanation as to why the two dozen medications I’ve tried over the past 20 odd years haven’t had the same impact, if a placebo is the cause? You seem to have a bias or agenda and it’s unclear why.
I’m just coping with my depression and expensive meds I can’t afford and mad no one told me about this shit.
Everything is pointless now.
