In college a few years ago, I decided to spend that time building up a foundation of beliefs and philosophy while my brain finished developing that would serve me for the rest of my life. This focus on self-improvement led to less mental energy spent on other people.
I think this has given some the impression that I’m a little narcissistic, but I’ve been pretty good at avoiding overconfidence. I’ve long considered myself self-absorbed but not self-centered, focussing on myself but only so I can be a better person than I’ve been.
Last Friday I realized that at some point I moved from one to the other. I stopped listening and started waiting to get conversations over with, only wondering what I was going to need to do for them. I stopped growing because I ran out out of things I had thought of that I had a reason to learn.
I don’t like being like this. I am trying to shift from a “what do I need to do?” attitude to a “what do others need that I can help with?” Any advice?
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That’s going to be a long path. Start with small steps to train yourself. Set weekly goals/reminders of what change you want to see. Start by forcing you to actively listen and engage in the conversation. Train yourself to remember what the other person said. If you don’t feel like helping, ask yourself why (after the conversation is over) and actively decide that your reason is valid and you indeed don’t want to/can’t help. If the reason is not valid, offer to help. Also, start conversations with other people as small talk. That way, not all conversations are about what people need from you. Train yourself to stop seeing conversations as something where you need to solve people’s problems. If they are not actively asking your help, maybe they don’t need it. Maybe they’re just offloading some frustration or see you as a friend with whom they can share personal stuff.
Not all talked about problems require a direct solution from yourside. Sometimes people just want somebody who symphatizes with them and feels with them. And that’s enough and the only thing they want from you. Unfortunately, being a human means all interactions are selfcentered from the startingparty point of view. So view them as part of life.
Have you considered local volunteer work? You could go give blood. You could visit a retirement home and bring some board games for the residents to play. Just some ideas. I don’t think you’re self centered. You reflect on how you can be less self centered, and most self centered people don’t do that.
