First, sorry for dodging around some words here. I’ve got some trauma and a lot of words are hard for me to say. You don’t need to watch your own language, it’s only saying them, not hearing them, that triggers anxiety in me.
I’m gonna get right into it. I hate having a dick. I want to get surgery. Zero depth specifically, because I straight up don’t have the mental willpower to go through dilating, no matter how infrequent. I can barely stand the fact that my hormones come out of a bottle instead of my body, so I don’t need more reminders of what I am. I’d rather just feel like a girl born without a canal who chose to never have that fixed.
But that’s not where the problem comes in. Now, for context, I’m a virgin, but nonetheless I know what I’d enjoy. I know I’d very greatly enjoy using what I already have for penetration. In fact, I know I’d enjoy it enough that the idea of getting rid of it for the option that I’m more comfortable with all of the rest of the time somehow seems unappealing. Like if I got rid of it, then I’d regret it in every sexual encounter for the rest of my life. I also know for certain I wouldn’t enjoy using, say, a strap on nearly as much.
And that brings on an additional problem, because every other time I’ve consistently regretted not getting the surgery sooner. And now I feel like I’m having to pick between one regret or another, and I can’t pick. No matter what I’m gonna wish I did the opposite.
Maybe I’d regret getting the surgery less, but how am I supposed to know until I’ve already gotten it? And that’s the issue. The only way I can find to make this decision is to make it first and just wait and see if I regret it, and that feels horrifically irresponsible. I know I can’t ask somebody else to make my decision for me, but does anybody at least have some advice to help me make it myself? Maybe an angle I haven’t considered?
I’ve been on hormones over 5 years now and I just want to finally have some closure and feel like I’ve completed my journey. All that’s left on my list is this and legally changing my name. Since I can’t afford hair removal I’m just dealing with shaving. I don’t hate my facial hair anyway, just don’t want others to judge me for it. I just need to get every box ticked even if some of those boxes are gonna be ticked as “opt out.”
I have actually tried that, and unfortunately it wasn’t the solution for me. Even if I couldn’t see it I knew it was there, so it didn’t help. I think the only thing that could relieve that is to get the actual surgery, which would require regretting something else. The thing is I know the vast majority of the time, I’d be super, super happy with my decision if I got the surgery, but in any sexual situation I’d find myself feeling like I was missing an important part of the experience, and for me that is a very powerful feeling capable of overriding all the other happiness I gain.
Yeah, life isn’t required to offer us remotely fair choices. For me it was a pretty easy one, to get surgery, it just took me more than 20 years from making the decision to being able to act on it.
When you have that kind of situation, where you know you’re going to have regrets whichever way you go, the best you can do is steer towards the regret you’ll hate the least, and practice gratitude and mindfulness around the parts of your choice that are good. I ended up with some numbness, I think downstream of some self harm I did in my teens, and I’m not happy about that, I don’t love dilating but it’s far from the worst, I get pains sometimes, and I could focus on those things and be miserable, but I consciously focus on not feeling the damned thing anymore, on clothes fitting properly, on the pleasant sensations I do get and the way sex, for me, is better now. That kind of intentful mindfulness is a skill, that you can practice, and doing so is my top recommendation to you.