If you haven’t talked to them for ten years, then you do not have crush on them. You have a crush on an idealized person that existed a decade ago.
Anyway I get the feeling, it sucks and it’s hard. Focus on the joy you and your wife bring each other.

Oh and the icing on that cake is that we are both Polly and would have been fine keeping our primary partners but they are both monogamous.

mood

Don’t mistake this for love. This phenomenon is called limerence, and it can be very toxic in the long run.

This happened to me once. I met them two years later, and I realized that my attraction wasn’t really about that person - indeed, I was bored on that date - but about feeling wanted, desired, and understood.

I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t someone to this person soley for the purpose to console them, to comfort them, to heal their damaged psyche from a traumatic childhood. We were there searching for a companion to be happy with. It felt like acceptance and understanding, a transcendent and tranquil state after emotional catharsis and reconciliation from past trauma and regret. Still, the moment had passed and that was the last I saw of them.

I’m not saying it wasn’t a hecka cool chemistry, but it can be very easy to idealise partners with whom you never actually had a relationship. Because you both never actually explored that, neither of you ever had to find out what aspects about it you would’ve disliked, or even downright hated.

From that position, it’s very easy to fantasize about how absolutely perfect it all would’ve been, but this is the ‘grass is always greener’ problem. The practically certain reality is that it wouldn’t have been perfect. It might’ve been good, but like everything in the world, it would have had its own plethora of issues that you’d hate getting entangled with.

Nonetheless comrade, I get it. I still fantasize about people I hit it off with years ago, and it feels terribly sad that we never kept up whatever we had going. The phrase that gets stuck in my head:

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, “It might have been.”

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it never leaves. they squeezed your heart and the finger prints won’t disappear. maybe writing a letter to her would help. maybe it wouldn’t. i don’t know, i’ve never been married.

Everyone has one, it’s normal. 10 years is a long time. I was a Romney republican 10 years ago lol. This person is a stranger to you.

Love is a workhorse man. It’s not always sexy. Usually not tbh.

Cosmic levels of synchronicity, this happened to me this week! Also had ridiculous bouts of synchronicity happen right before and right after I contacted her, including having the following songs play in succession:

“I don’t know if you got a man or not…”
“…you know how long I’ve been on ya? Since Prince was on Apollonia…Don’t act like I never told ya”
(I told her I liked her 18 years ago, then I “got over it” until I wasn’t anymore)

“oh suza-nna”
(self explanatory)

“for 10 years, we’ve been on our own”
(haven’t talked to her since 2015)

And right after I contacted her, I clicked on an article which turned out to be written by a girl who looks just like her
There’s more but the synch was so wild I can’t even list all of it

only reason I didn’t get over her after 2005, was because she sent me texts in 2011 where she described how her academic career wasn’t going well, and she came off as very emotionally vulnerable. In HS she was a straight A+ student, very “non-neurotic”, never showed any sort of emotional distress, etc.
I think the contrast against her usual self, and the fact that she confided in me, made me start liking her again. She also asked me to stay overnight at her dorm once, and I couldn’t understand if that was ever intended to be a romantic invitation or not, and I was afraid to ask (I ended up not going though)
I just found out she’s been going steady for almost 10 years (basically the same date when I stopped talking to her), met the guy in 2014, and they’re getting married this year.

I don’t think I actually like her anymore, after talking to her. I like the version of her that used to exist. She sounds different and acts different. Haven’t actually seen her yet but I’m almost certain she looks different too (not talking about just age). But I keep regretting the past and thinking about how things might’ve been different if I’d acted. And how she might’ve turned out different if those events had unfolded. Then again maybe I’m just in wishful thinking mode and all our interactions were totally platonic from her perspective

Another possible synchronicity: I knew a guy in 2021. Very close friend relationship based on same interests. He was super schizo and flighty. He cut me off in Feb 2022. This year at the end of Jan 2024, (almost 2 years exact) he got back in touch with a mutual friend (not me though, and didn’t want to talk to me).
Part of the reason for his cutting me off, was that his schizotypal traits were pushed to the limit from a similar situation. He did something in 2021 where he messed with a girl he’d been with long back–she had a boyfriend whom she was about to marry–and she actually came back to him and wanted to be with my friend, and then the boyfriend + all her girlfriends got mad and apparently started stalking him, sending him threats, and supposedly even hacking his computer.
This sent him over the edge and he got super creeped out about even talking to me, or our mutual friends, and he cut us off in 2022. His exlover ended up marrying the guy she had been planning to.

sorry to go “this is just like movie” but have you seen in the mood for love? very good movie about this exact feeling