Meh, it gets a bit unsettling and empty when you get into your 40s. At least it did for me. We had a kid (much) later in life and I’m glad we did. We had our DINK fun in our 30s, and I still long for those days sometimes. But having a kid is like filling a hole you didn’t realize you had. And there are moments of joy and bonding that are simply indescribable.
This is kinda my message to OP et al. You do you, you don’t have to try to shame people who choose something else.
Admittedly, there’s a “having kids” version of CompHet, like, people sometimes have kids because they feel like they have to, like they’re supposed to, not because they want to, and that’s dumb. But those people aren’t addressed by the message of the OP, nor are they provided insight into the reality of OP’s wisdom: you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
And some parents are fucking annoying. They think they’re more important than everyone else (even their own kids) because they chose to take on more responsibility. No DINK should ever have to give up their spot in line, or work longer hours, because of your smug self-righteousness. But – again – these people aren’t addressed by OP. (And, importantly, not all parents are like that.)
I have kids and I love having kids. I have no qualms with anyone who doesn’t have kids. I sometimes have qualms with people who do have kids. Fight the real enemy.
We’re in our 40’s. Wanted kids but couldn’t have them. It was hard, and sometimes still is, but we’re the cool aunt/uncle and we’re making the best of the extra freedom and money we have.
Not trying to poke a bruise, but depending on how important it is to you, where you live, and your financial situation, you likely still have options. At least in the US there are states that require insurance to cover IVF treatments.
I’m close with two couples who live in one of those states and took advantage of that recently.
One in their late 30s, IVF worked (~2 year process for them) and they’re out ~$3k all said and done.
With the second couple, the wife was 44 when they started working with a fertility clinic, husband in his mid 30s. Unfortunately they were unable to produce any viable embryos from the wife’s eggs, and the couple couldn’t emotionally handle another egg retrieval attempt.
They still have a kid though, born when the wofe was 45. Egg donors exist just like sperm donors. So they were able to use the IVF process with donor eggs and the husband’s sperm to get an embryo, and have that implanted. The wife was able to carry their child in her womb and be pregnant.
Egg donors are expensive, they say it was ~$30k. But they do have a few more viable embryos from that on ice, so they have the potential for multiple children out of it.
The clinic the second couple used also apparently had a successful IVF pregnancy with a 50 year old.
I know four couples that just needed some medication (I think it’s just hormone pills and shots). There’s also a similar amount I know who went the adoption route.
I’m most familiar with the second IVF couple’s journey, as they tend to be open people, they more often needed someone to just listen, and one of them is related to me. Their approach struck a chord with my wife and I, and effected our own discussions on having children: “Once you’ve decided to have a kid, if that is the most important part of it to you, sometimes you just need to just work your way down your options to find out how they’ll get here”.
If you’re comfortable in your decision, if you truly know that options aren’t available for you through talks with a doctor, if you tried and found that it was just too much emotionally… I mean no shade or judgement. I just know a surprising amount of people who have had fertility issues, and people don’t tend to talk about it, so there’s a good chunk of people out there simply unaware of the chances they might have.
Apologies for the ramble. This is very near and dear to me, just hope it helps someone.
Wow, thanks for your effort and empathy. We did in fact go through two rounds of IVF. No insurance, so we did it abroad. It was cheaper, but absolutely a major financial outlay for us.
Worse than the monetary cost was the emotional one. Miscarriages are fucking horrible under ‘normal’ circumstances, but are somehow worse when you’ve put extra faith in medical professionals and the clinical process meant to greatly increase your chances of having a baby.
After the first ordeal, I begged my wife not to go through it again. Ultimately I relented since she felt so strongly that she was going to make the trip herself. I couldn’t let her do it without support. I am not bullshitting you when I say I absolutely could not do it another time.
In case you or anyone else is wondering, we were never against adoption, but it is also a difficult and expensive process, and at the time we were afraid to apply for reasons I won’t get into.
Any siblings? Let them have kids and help out. I’ve got a niece and nephew and I love them to bits, but I’m still glad they are not mine. Anyways, being an uncle/aunt? Can recommend!
Meh, it gets a bit unsettling and empty when you get into your 40s. At least it did for me. We had a kid (much) later in life and I’m glad we did. We had our DINK fun in our 30s, and I still long for those days sometimes. But having a kid is like filling a hole you didn’t realize you had. And there are moments of joy and bonding that are simply indescribable.
Anyway, to each their own.
This is kinda my message to OP et al. You do you, you don’t have to try to shame people who choose something else.
Admittedly, there’s a “having kids” version of CompHet, like, people sometimes have kids because they feel like they have to, like they’re supposed to, not because they want to, and that’s dumb. But those people aren’t addressed by the message of the OP, nor are they provided insight into the reality of OP’s wisdom: you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
And some parents are fucking annoying. They think they’re more important than everyone else (even their own kids) because they chose to take on more responsibility. No DINK should ever have to give up their spot in line, or work longer hours, because of your smug self-righteousness. But – again – these people aren’t addressed by OP. (And, importantly, not all parents are like that.)
I have kids and I love having kids. I have no qualms with anyone who doesn’t have kids. I sometimes have qualms with people who do have kids. Fight the real enemy.
We’re in our 40’s. Wanted kids but couldn’t have them. It was hard, and sometimes still is, but we’re the cool aunt/uncle and we’re making the best of the extra freedom and money we have.
Not trying to poke a bruise, but depending on how important it is to you, where you live, and your financial situation, you likely still have options. At least in the US there are states that require insurance to cover IVF treatments.
I’m close with two couples who live in one of those states and took advantage of that recently.
One in their late 30s, IVF worked (~2 year process for them) and they’re out ~$3k all said and done.
With the second couple, the wife was 44 when they started working with a fertility clinic, husband in his mid 30s. Unfortunately they were unable to produce any viable embryos from the wife’s eggs, and the couple couldn’t emotionally handle another egg retrieval attempt.
They still have a kid though, born when the wofe was 45. Egg donors exist just like sperm donors. So they were able to use the IVF process with donor eggs and the husband’s sperm to get an embryo, and have that implanted. The wife was able to carry their child in her womb and be pregnant.
Egg donors are expensive, they say it was ~$30k. But they do have a few more viable embryos from that on ice, so they have the potential for multiple children out of it.
The clinic the second couple used also apparently had a successful IVF pregnancy with a 50 year old.
I know four couples that just needed some medication (I think it’s just hormone pills and shots). There’s also a similar amount I know who went the adoption route.
I’m most familiar with the second IVF couple’s journey, as they tend to be open people, they more often needed someone to just listen, and one of them is related to me. Their approach struck a chord with my wife and I, and effected our own discussions on having children: “Once you’ve decided to have a kid, if that is the most important part of it to you, sometimes you just need to just work your way down your options to find out how they’ll get here”.
If you’re comfortable in your decision, if you truly know that options aren’t available for you through talks with a doctor, if you tried and found that it was just too much emotionally… I mean no shade or judgement. I just know a surprising amount of people who have had fertility issues, and people don’t tend to talk about it, so there’s a good chunk of people out there simply unaware of the chances they might have.
Apologies for the ramble. This is very near and dear to me, just hope it helps someone.
Wow, thanks for your effort and empathy. We did in fact go through two rounds of IVF. No insurance, so we did it abroad. It was cheaper, but absolutely a major financial outlay for us.
Worse than the monetary cost was the emotional one. Miscarriages are fucking horrible under ‘normal’ circumstances, but are somehow worse when you’ve put extra faith in medical professionals and the clinical process meant to greatly increase your chances of having a baby.
After the first ordeal, I begged my wife not to go through it again. Ultimately I relented since she felt so strongly that she was going to make the trip herself. I couldn’t let her do it without support. I am not bullshitting you when I say I absolutely could not do it another time.
In case you or anyone else is wondering, we were never against adoption, but it is also a difficult and expensive process, and at the time we were afraid to apply for reasons I won’t get into.
Any siblings? Let them have kids and help out. I’ve got a niece and nephew and I love them to bits, but I’m still glad they are not mine. Anyways, being an uncle/aunt? Can recommend!
that’s a mid life crisis. I’m glad having a kid helped you through it. Also a better option than running away with a hooker, maybe.