Hello! I’m here 'cause i’m very, VERY confused about what i am. I’m 26, virgin, never even kissed. I have always thought i was (and maybe, deep down, still think) a straight guy, but now i don’t know anymore. Now i’m very very confused about my sexuality and masculinity.
I wanna say that i watch sissy hypno (porn videos that should brainwash you to become and think like a girl) since i was 16 years old. Now when i watch porn i always imagine to be the girl. I have used my mom’s clothes in the past (i don’t remember if i already started watching sissy hypno). I’m also in a particular situation down there: I think I’m so conditioned by sissy hypno, bbc, big cocks, porn etc that now i don’t properly “jerk off” anymore, 'cause now i always cum HANDSFREE (without touching myself), in my underwear and in my pants, just watching porn and imagining to be the girl… i literally wet myself. As i said before, i have always thought i was a straight guy, although i have become kind of “obsessed” with a particular porn actor (a male one), and he REALLY makes me doubt my sexuality a lot… I have also favourite female pornostars, but with them i’m never 100% sure WHY i like them so much… If it’s because i simply wanna have sex with them or 'cause i wanna be LIKE them.
I have tried to stop watching porn (my record is a month) but nothing changes. I always come back and i have always urges to be a girl. If i stop and i try to masturbate with pics of solo girls it’s “difficult” for me, 'cause it’s difficult to think about having sex with them, but i think things like “i wanna be her friend”/“I wanna dress up with/like her”/“I wanna take pics in front of the mirror with her”/“I wanna be like her” etc…
The problem is that i think i’m not a girl and that i’m not gay 'cause i think it’s just a fetish. If when i’m horny i imagine to be a girl, when i cum PNC (Post Nut Clarity) hits and i wanna be a guy again. It’s like having 2 different personalities. Also, i don’t think i’m gay 'cause okay, maybe i like cock, but JUST if it’s big and thick, otherwise no… It could exist the most beautiful man in the world, but if he does not have a big thick cock i won’t like him.
So yeah, that’s me… sorry if it’s too long and sorry for bad english but i’m not a native speaker.
What do you think i am? I need opinions and suggestions…
Get past the porn. Stop thinking about what you want in bed. Start thinking about what you want everywhere else. Your orientation is irrelevant to your gender (though I’ll address it).
So seriously imagine yourself in a variety of situations as an ordinary woman who looks about as good as you do with a similar body type and as your male self. Picture yourself on a date, who it’s with is irrelevant and you’re free to picture with a man and a woman each, but picture yourself wearing something nice and looking your best to impress them, now picture yourself as an ordinary lady doing the same deal. Picture both of these people picking up groceries after work. Picture them standing in a post office kinda sick dressed terribly just generally feeling and looking like shit but you have to be there because your taxes are due and you procrastinated. Picture them both sitting on the couch all weekend in their sweatpants. Picture them growing older. Picture them feeling like they’ve kinda let themselves go.
Which do you want to be? All of these experiences are normal. It’s everyday life. Transitioning is saying that you’re going to be a woman for all of it. And you’re gonna have to get groceries a lot more often than first dates.
Now look at the actual effects of HRT. Read an informed consent form. Ignore everything else. Do you want these effects?
Porn is an easy crutch. Gender dysphoria tends to rabidly intensify during puberty as your body develops the wrong secondary sex characteristics. That just so happens to be when most people begin experiencing sexual desires. It can be easy to mistake one for the other, especially when you already think of trans people (especially women) as something sexual (a common manifestation of cultural transmisogyny) and associate both sexual desire and transness with shame. The porn provides a release of the desire, a chance to escape, and then a dopamine hit. But it doesn’t provide a solution to dysphoria. It’s like chugging an energy drink instead of fixing your sleep schedule.
Now for the orientation shit. Why can’t you picture yourself with a man but can when imagining yourself as a woman? Is it heteronormative expectations? Yes. The question is which side is being pressured heteronormatively. And frankly it’s gonna be hard to parse out until you’ve got an understanding of your gender. Maybe you’re a gay man, maybe you’re a feminine straight man, maybe you’re a straight trans woman, maybe you’re a trans lesbian, there’s a good chance you’re some flavor of bisexual regardless of your gender. And some people’s orientation is hormonally impacted (HRT took away the little attraction to men I had). Other people gain increased understanding of their orientation through the process of exploring and enacting their gender.
But don’t just think of sex, also think of love. And think of the whole picture. Think about who you’d want to curl up with while watching tv on a Friday night because you got boring after getting married
But also yes do think of sex, but not just dicks. The whole entire person. Think of faces. But also just accept that it’s ok to not know yet. If you click with someone and find them attractive go for it. If you don’t you don’t.