Was looking through an old hard drive today and I found some old pictures of me from before I transitioned. I only have a few of them because I didn’t like taking pictures of myself back then (hmm, I wonder why? /s). I thought about deleting them because I don’t like how I looked back then, but in a weird way they also made me happy. I think it is because they serve as a reminder as to how far I have come in the four years since I realized that I am trans. Comparing them with current pictures of myself, it is very obvious that I am much happier now.
I also found some old picrews that I made of myself shorty after I realized that I am trans. These made me really happy for multiple reasons. One is that they brought back a lot of memories. The other is helped me figure something out. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly when I had the realization and the best I had beforehand was sometime in late 2019, but those pictures are dated October 28th which makes them the earliest evidence of me being trans that I have. I made like thirty of them but here are two of them that I like.
Past me would be so happy to know that I actually look like this now:
This is an image that I think I used to come out to a few people. It’s hard to see, but I decided to add some estradiol to my mouth:
Anyways, I just felt like sharing. I’m curious if anyone else also used picrew at first to explore their gender. Also if you have any transition related stories you feel like sharing, I’d love to read those too.
This is my favorite picrew from my egg days. I had made dozens of feminine picrews by that point, but I would never save them. I felt scared that if I saved them, I would be forced to accept that I was transfem. I would make a cute one, trying to match my long hair and glasses, and stare at it for a few minutes for gender euphoria. I would go for a gender neutral look that technically matched my surface level features, but I knew that I really wanted a fem look and didn’t have the guts to do it.
It was May of 2021. I had already accepted wasn’t cis, but hadn’t accepted that I didn’t want to be masculine in any way. This picrew was a cry for help from my true self. I remember making it almost without thinking. When it was done, I knew what it meant. I knew the sign should read, “You’re a woman stupid!” However, I still took another year to accept it and almost another year after that to come out.
You dumb removed. You poor thing. I love you.