Writing in the New York Times on Sunday, Peggy Orenstein, author of the book Girls & Sex, painted a bleak picture of young women’s sex lives. Even in...
I think this makes some great point but doesn’t talk enough about how the cultures makes sex exclusively about the conquest for men as well. There is almost no talk about intimacy or pleasure from the sex but rather if it was gotten at all. The overall goal is have sex. Its isn’t pleasure focused for either party with the assumption is that the man ejaculates from PIV. The queer and kink communities have really focused on the entire aspects and emotions that sex can provide. This trickled into most sex positive books and most of the advice was geared to women to allow them to feel any sexual pleasure but is applicable for all genders.
I think most men understand that sex can provide multiple emotions at once but can’t articulate what they need and how they get it outside of sex as well. We need to talk about how young men want love and that sex can be part of that. I highly recommend people look into kink and sex positive books to understand relationships and what sex can mean outside the traditional sexist narrative.
For general sex and relationships I recommend Hot and Unbothered. Its from a sex therapist and it talks about how to find and ask about the sex that you actually want. Its got great advice for anyone about how to think about your relationship and even has some exercises and worksheet (like a Yes, No & Maybe checklist).
For Kink the top two books are The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book which gives overview for topping and bottoming. They both start with some examples of what goals or feeling you might want to achieve. Some of their examples are Empathy, Creativity, Bigness, Nurturing, Control, innocence, Lust, Power etc. It then gives some practical advice about how to start with experimenting and how to ask about getting what you want. Its a great way to see what is out there even if you aren’t interested in kink.
The real reason you should check them out is for communication skills for on-going enthusiastic consent. If you see how someone asks to be hog tied with a ball gag in their mouth and whipped silly its easy to ask for anything else. Same with safety both emotional and physical. The most interesting part is how right after giving detailed instructions on how to whip someone is how choking is never safe. Its interesting to see what can be safe and what cannot be.
I think this makes some great point but doesn’t talk enough about how the cultures makes sex exclusively about the conquest for men as well. There is almost no talk about intimacy or pleasure from the sex but rather if it was gotten at all. The overall goal is have sex. Its isn’t pleasure focused for either party with the assumption is that the man ejaculates from PIV. The queer and kink communities have really focused on the entire aspects and emotions that sex can provide. This trickled into most sex positive books and most of the advice was geared to women to allow them to feel any sexual pleasure but is applicable for all genders.
I think most men understand that sex can provide multiple emotions at once but can’t articulate what they need and how they get it outside of sex as well. We need to talk about how young men want love and that sex can be part of that. I highly recommend people look into kink and sex positive books to understand relationships and what sex can mean outside the traditional sexist narrative.
what books and what is their usual advice?
For general sex and relationships I recommend Hot and Unbothered. Its from a sex therapist and it talks about how to find and ask about the sex that you actually want. Its got great advice for anyone about how to think about your relationship and even has some exercises and worksheet (like a Yes, No & Maybe checklist).
For Kink the top two books are The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book which gives overview for topping and bottoming. They both start with some examples of what goals or feeling you might want to achieve. Some of their examples are Empathy, Creativity, Bigness, Nurturing, Control, innocence, Lust, Power etc. It then gives some practical advice about how to start with experimenting and how to ask about getting what you want. Its a great way to see what is out there even if you aren’t interested in kink.
The real reason you should check them out is for communication skills for on-going enthusiastic consent. If you see how someone asks to be hog tied with a ball gag in their mouth and whipped silly its easy to ask for anything else. Same with safety both emotional and physical. The most interesting part is how right after giving detailed instructions on how to whip someone is how choking is never safe. Its interesting to see what can be safe and what cannot be.
holy shit these are great recs, tysm
I’m happy to help. If you need more books all of the books above will have their own reference / recommendations. Good luck!!!