I dont want to become like the #1 poster of long-winded rants about my life here, but I find it therapeutic. I am also wondering if this just my brain being checked out, a medical thing, or something everyone has.
I have this thing where my brain decides to think things that I would never do. Its also hard to talk about because then everyone would think I secretly want to do all the things described. Cookie cutter extreme example: it imagines me killing everyone around me or something. I would never want to kill anyone around me, at least usually lol. Most times it’s my family which I care for deeply. Ill just be near something, or someone, and my brain imagines me doing the absolute worse thing someone could do in that situation. It fucks with me. Because I feel like there’s a serial killer describing some really fucked shit in my head as I’m trying to exist. That odd force would never have any power, and it shares no desires with me, it just sits there and acts like I want to engage in horrible acts. Also, I dont see it as an actual entity in my brain, like another person, it’s more like self-doubt but saying things that make me want to never talk to anyone again. Again, does this happen to any of you? Do any of you know what this is?
thanks.
(Also worth noting, much worse shit it imagines as compared to just killing people. Shit that makes not want to see anyone ever again.)
(Edit: I suppose this is relatively normal. I guess no one told me people have thoughts they may not agree with, maybe more of a comment on Amerikkkan education and parenting.)
Probably 3edgy5u
I can relate, and unlike you I’m not particularly empathetic or remorseful. I’ve ideated murdering my parents, as well as becoming burgerland’s next top mass murderer or a suicide bomber or something. Fortunately I’m a lazy fuck. I don’t know where to get explosives or really care to look, and if I ever got a gun, planning a mass shooting sounds like a lot of work, and if I ever get to that point I’m basically committing suicide anyway, so I’d just skip all the work involved in suicide by cop and just brain myself instead. I’m also a coward, and that also prevents me from doing anything drastic.
I’ve also egged on my stepfather to commit suicide when he was saying he was going to do that during an episode recently. Seeing him suffer was like was like blood being spilled in water near a shark; something awakened in me that made me want to destroy. I think I’ve had this evil inside me since I was a child, because I recall assaulting another child when I was like 4 or 5 years old for no particular reason.
Anyway, because of this, I mostly keep to myself. I feel little drive to make deep connections with others, and while this makes my life dull and rather meaningless, trying to fix this would also require being around people who are vulnerable, and I don’t think I can trust myself in that situation. This makes it hard not only to be a principled communist, but to want to even leave my bed.
If I were to explain the evil in me, it’s basically a nihilistic hatred of everything that exists and wants to destroy existence itself. Where it sees potential to cause harm without destroying the host (me) it lashes out instinctively. To keep it from lashing out, I keep to myself. I live with my parents, but even then I barely interact with them throughout the day. By keeping away from others, I act as a prison for this hatred. However, it is as much my prison as I am its prison.
As this drive compels me to act in ways that dehumanize others, so I see myself as less than human. After all, with no other people around for the hatred to prey upon, it goes after the only target it has: me. The more I do nothing in this mental paralysis, or the more I let it attack others, the more ammunition the hatred has in deeming me a parisitic monster which must be exterminated for the good of society.
This is basically what I’ve been considering posting for awhile. I hope I’m not hijacking your rant to air my troubles, but since homicidal ideation was the topic it seemed appropriate. Considering you don’t seem to act out on those thoughts and have a conscience about them, I think they’re just plain old intrusive thoughts that a lot of people get.
Feel free to post anything that helps, it is c/mentalhealth anyway lol. If my struggles help you relate something that you want to voice, I’m all for it.
(Also sorry for not generally responding to your comment, because honestly I don’t think I can say much. Not you, just my inability to formulate thoughts into cohesive sentences sometimes.)