Ever since I’ve became a Marxist, I’ve been seeing the dark sides of liberalism, capitalism, etc. Now, all my passions and the capitalist/liberal desires that fueled them have died. I wanted to be a musician and become rich and famous, now that’s an unrealistic kid story. I wanted to become a writer and spread my works to millions, not anymore. I wanted to do game development, but that’s gone now. I wanted to become a legislator as a kid and spread good for society, proposing laws that would help the younger generation, but the US government is so fucking corrupt. I wanted to become an MMA fighter, but the industry in that is rigged. I wanted to become a business owner, and even learned the dark things needed to do to become “successful.” But the thought of fucking over vulnerable people for personal gain makes me sick to my stomach.
I’ve recently found a major I could study in college for - Electrical engineering. But really I don’t feel the slightest interested in that either. I had a quick blip of interest and then it died.
Every industry is so rigged, and people like me won’t survive in it. I’m not a fake it till you make it type person. I’m never favored by anyone, not popular in any type of circle. I’m cold and concrete, I can’t put on masks. And even the thought of manipulating people is tiring as hell. I’d rather be real and truthful, least bit of effort.
I have no money to travel to other countries where music might make me successful, and my passions for everything have died. I hate the word “hard work.” I like work that’s worthwhile and enjoyable, something I would spend hours on. But that doesn’t exist in the US. I seriously feel like a wandering soul. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is the desire to travel the world. If I didn’t have that motive, I probably would have offed myself a long time ago. I feel like my life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I honestly don’t know anymore. I might become a thief, stalking rich people’s social medias then stealing from them. Or becoming a mercenary. Kid’s fantasy, I know. I might have to face the disgusting truth and join the military to get the rest of my basic fucking human rights. Housing, money, college, I don’t know.
I feel like I’m going no where.
Honestly being interested in mechanical and “hard” sciences will do you good, as they tend to be less dependent on maintaining bourgeois ideology to keep interest. You just have to remain aware of how to apply that interest in a way that doesn’t wind up benefiting the bourgeoisie or military industrial complex. For instance, a comrade of mine lost his passion for physics when he realized his only realistic career opportunity would be to work for Boeing or Raytheon.
Still, they tend to be more secure fields of study than my only real passions, anthropology and writing. I feel bad for artists lol
I feel like I might be more interested in mechanical engineering than electrical, not completely sure at the moment.