Hi Friends,

ADHD/Anxiety/OCD haver here. Coping with the symptoms of those 3 disorders especially around the holidays has me feeling really crappy. Mostly because of my poor communication skills with regards to my family. It’s causing stress and strain on my wife and resulted in a fight today.

I don’t know what to do, all I can think about is how much I resent myself for letting this behavior go on for most of my life and now letting it negatively impact my marriage.

I’m not here looking for solutions, but any advice wouldn’t be unappreciated.

More so, I am just looking to say out loud the thing that is eating me up inside…

I am so resentful of myself and wish I could snap my fingers and be better at life. I’m sick of people around me taking the brunt of the mental/emotional baggage I unleash on my surroundings just because I can’t handle being an adult. It’s so exhausting being me and I hate it.

Thanks for reading.

  • eldaviEnglish
    2·
    2 days ago

    I’ve been living in a fairy tale for the past 3 years thinking that I’m making progress, which I have been on some things…

    are you me?!

    i let reasoning like this stop me from seeking out the professional help that i needed and it likewise fostered resentment in all of my relationships and opportunities.

    licensed therapists are the ONLY people who can help you and; if you’re enough like me; you will do everything in your power to convince yourself that you can “take care of it yourself”. (the neuro-divergent are our own worst enemy if not treated correctly).

    when i shared earlier that i dwell and beat myself up over it from time to time over my past behaviors; the biggest regret (BY FAR!!!); is the regret that i talked myself out of getting the help i needed for decades which led to the permanent damage that i will have to live with for the rest of my life & the suffering that i caused for myself and others in my ignorance.

    that coping mechanism i shared with you is one of two strategies that i still practice because my therapists advised me to abandon everything else i had created for myself; it wasn’t until i started talk therapy that i realized how self defeating all my other coping strategies were to myself.

    • nothx [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      2·
      2 days ago

      Yeah, I’ve been talking to a therapist for a while now, but am realizing that I have misrepresented/mischaracterized myself and my issues a bit. I need to find a new one and start over with the real issues being the target.

      I’ve realized that part of my lying to myself is not allowing me to be completely open and honest with my therapist. That has lead to them thinking I am making great strides, when I’m really not. They praise my progress and I take those affirmations and go about my life still broken and still negatively affecting my loved ones with the same old bullshit I always have.

      It’s a cycle that needs to end, otherwise it will be the end of my relationship… My partner doesn’t deserve this and she has all but told me so… When my issues are affecting my partner to the point of resenting me, it’s time to fucking stop and do something differently.

      • eldaviEnglish
        2·
        2 days ago

        I’ve realized that part of my lying to myself is not allowing me to be completely open and honest with my therapist. That has lead to them thinking I am making great strides, when I’m really not. They praise my progress and I take those affirmations and go about my life still broken and still negatively affecting my loved ones with the same old bullshit I always have.

        now i’m starting to wonder if you are me from another dimension because i done this same thing too.

        therapists are sometimes experienced enough to expect you to deceive yourself as much as you might deceive them; coming clean might be the something different you’re looking for.

        also: therapists are human beings too, if their training isn’t sufficient to help them separate the real version of you (after you come clean) from the fake version of you from before, then they will find someone who can help and it will be with someone who is better at detecting self deception to help you.

        if you still need to find another therapist, they’re also trained for that as well. you can ask them for a referral and their training will enable it after they’re satisfied that you’re not doing it for a bad reason. admitting that you haven’t been completely candid is valid reason and they will accept it if they’re a good therapist; they’re not there to judge you.

        • nothx [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
          2·
          2 days ago

          now i’m starting to wonder if you are me from another dimension because i done this same thing too.

          Hahaha, I swear I’m not! But yeah, it makes a lot of sense that this behavior isn’t just me. Makes me feel a bit better about my chances of fixing this too.

          Thanks for the helpful response, this is my first therapy experience and I feel weird about breaking up with them, but their job is to support me and give me perspective, even if that perspective is agreeing that I need something/someone new.