Hello dads,
I’ll be a dad myself shortly, and it’s entirely planned, we discussed the idea and then worked towards making it happen. My wife is over the moon and loving the whole process and I’m struggling to see it as a positive change. All I’m seeing is more bills and tasks.
I want to be excited and enthusiastic during the pregnancy (and of course afterwards) but I’m struggling to see this as a positive change for our next - at least - 5 years.
It’s causing some stress between my wife and I, when really I’d much prefer we were bonding now in preparation for the stress our relationship is going to need to endure after the baby arrives.
I guess this is partly just venting, I feel like anyone I know that I might say this to, would think I’m a bad person considering it was entirely planned and now I’m not feeling it after its too late to undo, but if anyone has some ideas on how I can focus more on the positives (I do see them… watching their personality growing, seeing the world from their fresh perspective, a sense of investment in the future, etc. I just struggle to focus on them) of this and less on the incoming bills and sleepless night and relationship stress, so my wife and I can bond, it’d mean a lot to me.
I’m also concerned that I’m seeing the baby as a problem instead of a… Source of joy? and that this might mean I don’t really have a natural parental instinct, so I won’t love it like I should, but instead see it as a series of chores and costs and problems.
They say a woman becomes a mother when she first feels the baby stirring in the womb, but a man only becomes a father once he sees the baby for the first time.
I’m not a bio parent myself, but if that stereotype is true I think you should expect some emotional discordance during this phase.
I think you aren’t wrong to be worried, but I think if you focused your mind and energy on nesting and getting excited with your wife, it would help bridge the gap.
I’m 100% sure biology will win out and you will be changed forever when the baby does come
This is exactly right. It may not even be when you see your child’s face for the first time. It took a while for myself. But it happened and I don’t want to go back.
Just enjoy this time with your wife.
Except that isn’t always the case.
Which isn’t to discourage OP or anyone else, but to be realistic.
Postpartum depression is real, as are many other mental health and other issues that can impact how and even if a parent can bond with their biological child.
Far too many parents never do (or do to some extent, but resent their child for “ruining their life”).
Ignoring or minimising these very real and very serious problems only serves to make those who struggle with them feel worse, and less able to reach out for help (because if biology should “100% win out” but it doesn’t for them, then they feel like they must be “broken”, rather than biology simply not being 100% certain of anything) which in turn often leads to neglectful and/or abusive relationships with their kids (and others).
It sounds like OP, like most people tbf, especially those facing major life changes, could benefit from therapy to help prepare for and maintain not only the parent-child relationship, but their relationship with their partner, too. They clearly have some concerns, best thing to do is address them constructively.