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Australia’s number one grocery prison has announced a brand new policy stating that loss prevention officers will be granted license to shoot any suspected shoplifter on sight.
“Do you think this is a fucking joke?” sprayed a nameless executive wearing a balaclava at a press conference.
“We put in the security gates, the guards, the cameras everywhere and even fitted our creepy cleaning robots with lasers, and we’re still seeing a small amount of people who are doing the wrong thing, it’s not on!”
Woolworths have also announced 9 cents a litre fuel discount as a reward for any information leading to the capture of a shoplifter this holiday season. “This Christmas, snitches get the riches,” said the masked executive.
“Woolworths needs to be treated with the respect a corporate giant deserves,” he said, as he gently patted a baseball bat in his hands. “What we did to Australian farmers we can do to you. Don’t tempt me.”
“Our new partially trained loss prevention officers didn’t have the skills to be full police officers, so we’ve given them jobs as a private militia. They are authorised to use lethal force in any situation where they believe someone is taking our overpriced, invisibly shrunk products without paying above full price.”
The new security comes in the wake of a successful strike from a Coles Brand MQ9 reaper drone which neutralised a customer who allegedly stole a red seedless grape.
I’m actually a little miffed with Woolies at the moment: we need to take our own bags to the shops, so I have a bag full of bags in the trolley.
I put everything through the checkout, hit pay and the thing now says “did you forget something? Your trolley isn’t empty.” Then I need to wait for the poor kid who’s got to do this for everyone to get to me to let me out.
I know loss prevention is an issue for them, but they’re the ones foisting these self serve checkouts on us. First it was the scales ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’/‘I’m using my own bag’, now this.
It’s not a friendly experience for the customer at all. I prefer to wait for the slow grandma in front of me at Aldi than deal with checking out of Woolies. And that’s saying something.
When I take my kid, they say I haven’t paid for my kid in the trolley.
Wow it checks the bloody trollies now too! If they made the food more affordable they might not have to deal with shoplifting. In saying that I have twice seen people steal from ALDI now
i’ve started stealing from ww/coles on principal. fuck them.
Good stuff, sometimes aggressive measures need to be taken to look out for the interest of the shareholders. Plus the fuel discount is a perfectly timed Christmas gift, exactly what Australia needs in a cost of living crisis. Bravo Woolies, very proud to have my superannuation invested in a company that cares!
Remember, if you:re self checking out, all tomatoes are truss tomatos :D
