Every single woman I’ve been with since coming out as a lesbian, and being a woman, has treated me more masculine than I wanted them to. But the most recent date was something truly special. I was expected to act more masculine by her than by any straight woman I had ever been with pre transition.

She really thought I was her boyfriend. She did all of the classic things that f4m do on dates. She tried to attract my attention while simultaneously not looking at me or doing anything to make me feel wanted, let alone pretty. She moved away from my touch because she liked the feeling of me pulling her in. She let down her walls and expected me to pounce on her. At the end of our first date I told her how much I identify with femininity and hoped a second date would go better. It didn’t go better.

And worst of all, she was trans! She absolutely no interest in my femininity while being a trans woman on a date with a trans woman! I trusted her because of our shared experiences and she made me feel dysphoric.

Part of this comes from me retaining a more masculine kind of physicality and attraction. I’m very visual and can get horny very quickly. My body can’t hide its attraction either, people can tell when I want them. My experience of women is extra intense, and so is the way that I naturally kiss and touch them. Women really want to see me “take” them, and when I don’t they think I’m innocent and infantilize me. They don’t realize I have absolute control over myself and won’t do a damn thing unless I feel safe. Because expressing anything masculine as a trans woman makes me feel vulnerable. Nothing feels worse than doing everything you can to make someone else feel pretty and beautiful and them not giving anything back. Not to mention how all this makes me feel like a threat to women, giving me intense paranoia around being seen that way.

People see me, 6’4, confident, cock, and make miles of assumptions about what I want. They stroke my ego instead of making me feel pretty. They expect me to take control. But, I don’t want them to! My ideal partner is literally someone who makes me feel safe, taken care of, is affectionate, and tells me what to do! Being expected to take control by 80% of the people who are attracted to me stresses me the hell out! The physicality that makes them want me to take control is the same one that makes me want to give them control. If I just focus on doing what I’m told then I know I won’t hurt anyone, and I won’t get overwhelmed by experiencing their beauty and having to make decisions.

It feels like I’m not pretty enough for anyone to value that over my masculine traits. So that’s how I get treated. Almost all of the women I’ve been with are bi. I think they find me attractive as a man and not a woman. I should really try and meet more lesbians but I think they find me threatening. Bi women are more used to people who experience attraction like I do, even if I see mine as nearly incomparable to men’s. I’d love to meet another trans lesbian, as I literally never have, but we’re probably 0.1% of the population.

Also I’ve had FFS, done voicework, done laser hair removal. I’m totally cis passing, even at 6’4. I can’t imagine what this would be like if I was still early transition. All I can change is getting more feminine clothes, and doing more makeup.

TLDR: I’ve been depressed and dysphoric since a date last weekend where I was treated like a boyfriend. I’m struggling to express my sexuality amidst a sea of people who can’t look past my height and genitals. I’m genuinely so torn up and its been so hard getting out of bed knowing that nobody wants me to feel pretty.