No big self help lemmy so I had to ask it somewhere else. Alright, I’m an university student but:
- I don’t like too much noise (no parties or bars).
- I only go to university twice per week and it’s far from home.
- I don’t like dating apps.
- Social media imo stresses me out instead of helping me.
- Can’t steal friends of friends: New city, I know no one here.
- I suck abismally at sports. Also I don’t have a sporty profile.
- Board/cardgame shops usually catter to people aged 30 and over as they can actually buy the games.
I’m just, like, out of ideas where to meet people aged 16-26. My best shot so far was in public transport but I’m usually too tired to bother. Been thinking of joining a DnD table or something just to meet people already rofl.
It will only get harder to find friends after university. If you can afford to, take classes on more than 2 days a week and join some clubs and activities while you are there. The university funds them and they are a hell of a lot better than you will get afterwards at any job. There will more likely than not be a D&D club at a university in 2023.
How far is the commute? If it’s really that bad, find some school club that is happening on the days you are there. Join something that is obviously designed for another major. IEEE or a poetry club or cuisine club. Your university will have someone in charge that can give you a directory of these. Dean of students, perhaps?
Universities here don’t have official clubs. There are some shenanigans people get into, but they aren’t sponsored or even organized unless they serve some societal or educational purpose. It’s also a bit hard to learn about them. My best bet is paying attention to the boards in the corridors and at the library because the good ol’ A4 sheet ad is immortal. Even then it’s rare for new stuff to get advertised. Maybe if I make a habit of going earlier once a week to scour every campus for new ads.
I can’t get into more classes right now. I can only change my classes at the start of each semester and for mental health reasons I only take 2, max 3 classes at once. The issue is that all my teachers lumped their 4 classes in the week to be lectured consecutively, which is why I only go two days on a week.
How far is the commute?
40 minutes on the bus, 15 on a private taxi. My city has good traffic but even the bus is a bit expensive. Each ride is about a minimum hourly wage and the private taxi is double that. I won’t go by bike because I would have to cross two avenues and a busy highway. But going to university just to hang about scouting for people feels silly.
Join something that is obviously designed for another major. IEEE or a poetry club or cuisine club.
That’s actually a good idea, since I mingle way better with humanities students than my fellow compsci students.
Thanks for your answer :)
Spend more time at university, make a social network, and do what your friends are doing. Universities have whole departments around student life. Creating activities for students. Leverage that.
Make friends with the 30+s at your board game shops. Having a social network is healthy, your not marrying them
Your in NYC, there is a literal uncountable number of things to do there. Don’t try to make perfect friends. Make any friends. Don’t worry about age, focus on shared interest.
I’m not in NYC, kek.
Anyway, the hard part is that I’m not in the USA and universities work very differently, but the practice of students gathering around always happen. Someone suggested joining things thought out for other fields and I think it’s the best idea so far since I don’t really mingle with people who study my subject. But giving the board game shops a fair chance is not a bad idea either. TY!
Absolutely ! For work, I have to keep moving every couple of years, so I’ve learned a few tricks to create a network. The two main rules are: online doesn’t count and something is better than nothing. The first is clear, while the second one is based on the “friends paradox”: on average, your friends have more friends than you have. That means that meeting someone random can help you meet more people, until you gather your own group.
Language courses. Check if your uni offers language classes for students and pick an obscure one (that is not English and possibly not Japanese unless you fancy Japanese culture). In my experience it’s a setting which forces conversations and sometimes surprisingly deep ones (how many of your classmates know what’s your favourite color? Well the ones from the language class do after an exercise of color words).
Similarly maybe the uni or someone else in the town runs language cafe’s. Informal places where people who learn a language will show up to talk with natives.
Look around if the uni has student clubs around an interest. My university had a ton of such “student circles” some of them were for people more than normally interested in the faculty’s discipline, some were about something completely different. They should allow people in based on interest, not affiliation and an active one is a great experience.
Language classes were, at least wherever I was taking them, much less demanding with regard to time, homework etc than normal uni classes.
I’ve found that hobbies and interests are really good. Are there meetup groups in your city for different activities? Are you into comedy? There are probably some improv classes. Are you into watching sports? Etc etc etc.
I will say trying to make friends with people on public transport seems reaaasaally offputting. Most other people are going to or from work and just want some time to themselves.
Yeah it’s bloody weird but usually they start it (looking at me and smiling). Always because I look very butch and they’re lesbians.
What are your hobbies, go find where people do then together and join in.
If you don’t have many hobbies, try something new that may pique your interest.
Unfortunately most people your age are going to be at parties, university, and sports. You’re limiting your chance of success by removing those options, do it’s going to be hard. You’ll have to put in the work.
I’m no expert, as I’m also a cripplingly lonely adult, but I’d say it’s not “limiting your chances” to avoid hanging around overstimulating situations with people you wouldn’t have been friends with anyway.
Let me rephrase. The chances for friendships for people who enjoy these activities are significantly greater for people who don’t at.
OP could force themselves to attend, and possibly make friends that way, but it’s very likely the friends will want to continue to do those things.
I would also like to remind people that the way you are is not set in stone. You can change if you want to. I used to be an introverted loaner who worked on being extroverted and accomplished it. It’s what I wanted though, I idolized extroverts. This may not apply to OP
I would also like to remind people that the way you are is not set in stone. You can change if you want to. I used to be an introverted loaner who worked on being extroverted and accomplished it. It’s what I wanted though, I idolized extroverts.
Congrats I guess? Most people can’t alter fundamental parts of their personality though. Especially if it’s tied up with their neurological reality. Like, I’m autistic. I’m not going to be able to just will myself into not finding large groups uncomfortable.
Most people can change, and do. Most people can’t prevent it. Change is one of the only constants in life.
You sound like you have extra challenges with autism. If this is something that is negatively affecting your life, I would recommend looking into a counselor or therapist.
Best of luck. To both you and OP.
Most schools used to have bulletin boards. Putmamloking for friends /hobby /gaming friends post up.
University will still be your best bet. Plan an extra day there for studying then find a study group for one of your subjects. That way you have an easy in to talk to some people. Then simply ask someone to hang out after the study group is done. Existing groups might even invite you.
Depending on where you live, just walking around at night can also work. When I was a young adult we would just hang out outside somewhere. And I still see groups of people hanging out at similar or even the same spots, so the practice didn’t die out.
Common spots are near parks, clubs, or public places in cities. Outside of cities anything with parking spots, so gas stations, mountain tops, train stations. Especially if you are into cars or motorcycles it will be easy to get talking.
Obviously if it’s not safe in your area use your best judgement.
Even if you aren’t sporty, you can still pick one up. Doesn’t matter how old or unfit you are. If you think it’s fun, just join. The amateur scene is usually super welcoming to newcomers because lack of players/members is usually their biggest concern. Especially for more obscure sports. You can even pick something that doesn’t require physical fitness. I haven’t tried it myself but something like disc golfing doesn’t seem like you need to be fit for.
But I too was very out of shape and just picked up surfing in my mid 30s. I fall a lot but no one cares that I am bad. So not being sporty/fit is a bad excuse to not take up a sport.
This is hard since I study CS. It’s a pretty individualistic setting where people usually study by watching videoclasses and doing lone projects. The study group is usually the clique you make on the first month of classes. Ever since my first two cliques dissolved as people dropped out I found myself pretty much stranded alone on academical matters.
I live in Brazil and the night is scary. Parks are dominated by the homeless and addicts. Gas stations are usually inhabited by conservative folk I’m far too queer to mingle with (this entire country but the southeast is basically a red state). No metros here and the bus station is also somewhat of a dangerous place at night.
On sports, school was already a nightmare. Always picked off last, didn’t have reflexes, didn’t even have the strength to throw the ball to score on basketball. Maybe martial arts. They’re usually cool.
Thanks for your reply.
Do you have a job? Maybe you can be friends with people at work. If not, get a job. Teenagers/early twenties often work retail or restaurant jobs and you don’t typically need any previous experience.
If you want to stay within your academic field, look into internships.
