Aww. I like. I penguin pebbled this article some :)

Is it just me or is the page insanely slow?

As an adult who has very, very recently come to realise that they’re very likely autistic, this really hit me hard.

I constantly thought about whether I do love or even can. Because most of the time I just felt nothing. I knew I wanted to be with my partner, but I could never understand why because I rarely felt anything. I’d cling to the rare moments where I would feel it and constantly remind myself of that when it got hard.

There had to be a reason why I physically couldn’t leave despite all the times we would have a huge row and she’d knee jerk and tell me (it was obviously not something she meant, but that’s not how people like us think).

My emotions are generally on or off. And normally they’re just off.

But reading this has helped me understand how I show my love and it’s such a wave of relief to know that I do actually love, and care. It was such an intensely overwhelming wave that saw me start sobbing my eyes out. A 32 year old man.

My son and partner, for example l, are the only two people I frequently ‘info dump’ on. When we do that parallel play thing I feel so comfortable and relaxed. I worry sometimes if my partner feels awkward that I’m ignoring her or whatever, but I just don’t.

I realised that my nagging at her to do simple things for herself isnt ‘nagging’ but me expressing my feelings.

And the amount of times I hold back on wanting to penguin pebble when I see something because I think she’ll find it stupid or I can’t afford it is fairly common.

Although all that said, I dunno about the pressure thing. I’ve never really liked it, but I do know that when I’m shutting down or in a meltdown or having sleep paralysis I’m desperate for a hug/squeeze. So I guess it’s probably related.