I’m not sure if this is the best place but I don’t know where else I could talk about something like this. I know that my style of masculinity is toxic but I’ve never gotten good advice on how to overcome it as a trans man.
The assumption that trans men don’t have toxic masculinity because “they got socialized as women” is a common one in trans spaces and not only does it not apply to me, the implication that trans men are softer men pisses me off and digs me deeper.
Lore time: I internalized masculine norms throughout my isolated childhood. I knew and insisted I was a boy from an early age and my behaviour got me isolated and bullied by my female peers. I was also mistreated a lot for being queer.
My main problem is being insecure because of dysphoria combined with the transphobia I’ve received, pushing me to toxic competitive behaviour that runs the risk of alienating my friends. However, compared to the attitudes I’ve faced and still face in real life, affirmation from queer spaces about how men don’t need to be one way feel detached from reality. How can I not be insecure when I’ve been bullied for my whole life and none of that would’ve happened if my body wasn’t female? If I said that doesn’t matter wouldn’t it be cope?
Tl;dr what do when toxically masculine as a trans man in very transphobic irl corcumstances? I would especially appreciate examples of masculine-presenting men who didn’t engage in masculinity as a competition. If post is too big wall of text or just too many personal details tell me and I’ll trim.
Damn dude, yeah your thinking process and emotions are def turning pathological here. Not a moral judgement, but this is going to hurt your well-being and happiness. But here’s the thing, you recognize it and you can even give concrete examples. That is one of the largest hurdles you can face when you’re trying to grow into the person you want to see, and that takes a hell of a lot of strength.
There’s several factors that are at play here that will help you address this: schemas that inform your automatic thoughts, wrestling with your own self image and the insecurity that it brings up, and hormones - testosterone is some nasty stuff when it comes to aggression. You’re also growing into becoming a man, it’s a process.
Reaching out for support here is a great first step. I can relate to this list, this was a lot of me when I was in the military, and in fact a big emotional drive for my young self to join up (dumb solution lol). I did however develop a better sense of self and my “masculinity” before I realized I was trans. This came from having a partner that regularly engages with me on topics of conscientiousness and empathy. These aren’t feminine traits, they’re prosocial behaviors. The other was going through therapy to address my patterns of thinking and emotional reactions and where they come from.
I would recommend both those things and also, find a good male mentor/role model to spend some time with. Take some time to experience a relationship with them that’s not a competition and where you can be safe without a pressure to perform. You’ll get there, it takes time.