One of the good things about lemmy is that I’m positive my friend won’t find this post.
Hey lemmy. My best friend and I have been close since we met back in high school, circa 2002. We lived a few blocks away from each other, kept in touch across the country during college, and even lived together for a few years after college. We’ve traveled overseas together, been through many break ups together. She was a solid rock for me when my fiance and I had a traumatic split 4 years ago.
She got married legally two years ago, and their wedding is finally happening this upcoming spring. I’ve been so excited along with her. We’ve talked our whole friendship about being there for all the fun stuff for our weddings, and I’ve been doing all the maid-of-honor stuff since she asked me to be hers.
She was initially depressed about dress shopping since she assumed no one would be able to go, including her mother, who has really bad travel/directional anxiety. We’re all in different states.
I asked her why she would even think that I wouldn’t fly out to go dress shopping with her, since we’ve been talking about it for ages, and I love clothing shopping! She said she thought I’d be too strapped for cash, but I’d been saving up for her wedding stuff, so it’s not an issue. We set the date for November and a she invited another long-distance friend from high school and I’ve been looking at tickets to get out there.
Anyway, I was planning to reach out to her mom and fly in to her state to fly with her to my friends state so she wouldn’t have to worry about making her way there with all her anxiety, but today I got a message from my friend. Her mom and stepdad are visiting her area this weekend for an extended family member’s birthday, and she and her mom decided they would “pre-look” at wedding dresses today, “just to get an idea of whats out there” and wanted to know if I’d feel left out if they did that.
My heart sunk when I got the text, because I knew that her mom probably was trying to combine dress shopping for this trip so she wouldn’t have to take another trip out again so soon. I messaged back saying no I wouldn’t feel left out, but did that mean dress shopping in November was canceled? She said no, that it was still on. I was a bit relieved, but still worried. I gave the okay, because of course I can’t say no, that would be supper immature and inappropriate.
Of course, she found a dress she wanted, and I was left out of the whole experience. She video called me at one point for a very short while, and sent me photos, and I tried my best to be happy and give good advice and opinions, but it’s not the same, and I wasn’t part of most of it. (She didn’t go for any of my advice, but I’m not hurt about that - video and photo representation isn’t the same, and my advice might have been totally off from what I would have said in person.)
Anyway, here’s the thing: this isn’t my wedding. My feelings don’t matter. I realize this in my rational mind, but I’m still incredibly hurt. I definitely wanted to be there for these types of moments for her wedding.
I pretended not to be hurt though, because I really don’t want to stress her out in any way when it comes to her wedding. I don’t want in any way to be someone she looks back on and remembers as a source of stress or drama during this event. I realize that her mother brought up the idea and pressured her to do so because of her own travel anxiety, and I’m not mad at my friend for jumping at the chance to look at dresses with her mom when she could - just in case her mom pulls out of organized plans last-minute. I’m incredibly close to my mom, so I’d definitely want her there when it’s my turn. I get it.
Still, I’m hurt. I just don’t know of I should tell her so, or if I should keep pretending I’m okay. What’s done is done, she has her dress. Is there any point in bringing up my feelings at all? Or should I just swallow it all up and hope I work through the hurt privately somehow? I don’t like hiding my feelings and lying to her, but I feel like telling her would do more harm than good.
If you’ve gotten this far, I appreciate it.
There’s definitely disappointment thrown in with the hurt.
I know for a fact she did want me there, and yes, she went out of her way to include me how she could. I don’t think in any way she was trying to sneak in the dress shopping without me. I don’t think she came up with the idea of shopping for dresses today at all, I think her mom did because of her travel anxiety. I think my hurt feelings are more about my friend not putting her foot down and insisting I be there.
Still, even then, I can’t really be mad at her mom for suggesting it, because her mom’s travel anxiety is no joke. It was bad when we were in high school, and it’s gotten far, far worse since then. I’ve talked to my friend many times about how hurt she gets when her mother won’t visit her during other important events because of that anxiety. And I can’t be mad at my friend for not letting this opportunity slip by to have her mom with her for sure. I’m at war with myself.
I don’t know how to be just disappointed instead though. The hurt is still there, I can’t just shut it off, though I think I pinned down more at what exact actions I’m hurt about.
Thank you for your input!
Weddings seem to bring around this kind of hurt. The best thing you can do is to remember how you feel so you’re able to be sensitive when it comes time for your wedding. You may find the hurt disappears completely when you plan your wedding, as you experience the stress of the other side. You’ll be grateful for the graciousness shown by friends and family when it’s your turn (and dismayed at some of the truly rude things people do), and you’re paying that graciousness forward pre-emptively to your best friend. Even if she doesn’t say it outright, she appreciates your flexibility as she navigates issues with less flexible people. You’re doing the right thing in shouldering your hurt privately.
I really appreciate all that, thanks again. You helped me work through it with your replies. :)