Yesterday I explained to my 6 year old that communication is not just hearing the words people said and acting like that’s all they meant. I explained that when he speaks, I try to think about what made him say that and what he might have meant, and when people make this extra little effort to understand it’s like they’re giving you a gift of understanding. I was also able to help him recognize that when people use your words against you, it feels bad.
I’m prepared to have to repeat this several more times as per usual, but he did understand and agree. Taking people’s words at face value without thinking about the person isn’t good communication. Maybe it’s harder for you, or maybe you just stopped caring because enough NTs didn’t give you the gift of understanding. I’m just here to say that words at face value isn’t the be-all of connecting with others.
Isn’t it bad communication to not be straightforward and expect people to guess your meaning? Or to assume things of others that they didn’t say?
Not criticizing or anything just interesting to see a different perspective. I have been constantly tripped up by this throughout my life, and nobody ever told me what you told that child before.
I always say what I mean, and it can be frustrating to have people react in seemingly random ways because they inferred a hidden meaning that wasn’t there.
Approach it as an epistemological quandary, for a moment. Imagine if everyone had the same exact language in their heads, with an exact copy of all the same words.
Do all those same words share the same subtle shadings of connotation, and does everyone have the same level of skill in putting their thoughts into words? Will each person be equally willing to do the self-reflection necessary to be honest with themselves, and by extension one another?
The answer is plain to me; each person’s capability to express themselves can differ immensely, and there are always going to be significant incongruities in the language we share even under ideal conditions.
The result is that communication must be a faithful effort among minds to bridge that epistemological rift, to see beyond and within the mere words, relying on intimate knowledge of one another, in order to truly form those golden shared understandings that can make life feel a little less lonely.
To be understood is truly a gift, and we get as good as we give.
That is an interesting concept to consider. I knew words were just symbolic, taken to have meaning that isn’t inherently there. With enough training the associations are made. It makes sense that the words themselves would have different meanings for each person.
Thanks for pointing that out. So how would you suggest someone who has autism might try to infer meaning behind the words?
Autism is a complex subject so I can’t speak to your specific difficulties. If you rely more on your bond with someone, your shared experiences and what you know of their desires and fears, as well as any difficulties they may have - all of this forms a body of context through which the words they say must be filtered.
Often enough the primary meaning of anything is plain, but people are not so ordinary as to only mean one thing when they speak. Each of us is a four-dimensional being of divine chaos at the infinite centre of creation, the way I see it (without pretending this is a sane view). A more grounded way to put it might be that everything we do and say resonates with the uniqueness of all our experiences and circumstances, and there are always layerings to consider. Only by knowing a person more deeply can we learn to “read between the lines” when they speak, but to begin with it should suffice to listen charitably, beginning at a place from trust and positive regard.
I’m writing under the influence of a book I’m currently reading, so please forgive me. I am not usually so florid. But I am speaking in earnest, I hope that shines through.
NTs following the rules, lmao.
I’m too strict 👀
“you just always have to be right, don’t you?”
I just took what you said seriously. When do I take it at face value and when do I try to invent a new meaning for what you said?
Yesterday I explained to my 6 year old that communication is not just hearing the words people said and acting like that’s all they meant. I explained that when he speaks, I try to think about what made him say that and what he might have meant, and when people make this extra little effort to understand it’s like they’re giving you a gift of understanding. I was also able to help him recognize that when people use your words against you, it feels bad.
I’m prepared to have to repeat this several more times as per usual, but he did understand and agree. Taking people’s words at face value without thinking about the person isn’t good communication. Maybe it’s harder for you, or maybe you just stopped caring because enough NTs didn’t give you the gift of understanding. I’m just here to say that words at face value isn’t the be-all of connecting with others.
Isn’t it bad communication to not be straightforward and expect people to guess your meaning? Or to assume things of others that they didn’t say?
Not criticizing or anything just interesting to see a different perspective. I have been constantly tripped up by this throughout my life, and nobody ever told me what you told that child before.
I always say what I mean, and it can be frustrating to have people react in seemingly random ways because they inferred a hidden meaning that wasn’t there.
Approach it as an epistemological quandary, for a moment. Imagine if everyone had the same exact language in their heads, with an exact copy of all the same words.
Do all those same words share the same subtle shadings of connotation, and does everyone have the same level of skill in putting their thoughts into words? Will each person be equally willing to do the self-reflection necessary to be honest with themselves, and by extension one another?
The answer is plain to me; each person’s capability to express themselves can differ immensely, and there are always going to be significant incongruities in the language we share even under ideal conditions.
The result is that communication must be a faithful effort among minds to bridge that epistemological rift, to see beyond and within the mere words, relying on intimate knowledge of one another, in order to truly form those golden shared understandings that can make life feel a little less lonely.
To be understood is truly a gift, and we get as good as we give.
That is an interesting concept to consider. I knew words were just symbolic, taken to have meaning that isn’t inherently there. With enough training the associations are made. It makes sense that the words themselves would have different meanings for each person.
Thanks for pointing that out. So how would you suggest someone who has autism might try to infer meaning behind the words?
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Autism is a complex subject so I can’t speak to your specific difficulties. If you rely more on your bond with someone, your shared experiences and what you know of their desires and fears, as well as any difficulties they may have - all of this forms a body of context through which the words they say must be filtered.
Often enough the primary meaning of anything is plain, but people are not so ordinary as to only mean one thing when they speak. Each of us is a four-dimensional being of divine chaos at the infinite centre of creation, the way I see it (without pretending this is a sane view). A more grounded way to put it might be that everything we do and say resonates with the uniqueness of all our experiences and circumstances, and there are always layerings to consider. Only by knowing a person more deeply can we learn to “read between the lines” when they speak, but to begin with it should suffice to listen charitably, beginning at a place from trust and positive regard.
I’m writing under the influence of a book I’m currently reading, so please forgive me. I am not usually so florid. But I am speaking in earnest, I hope that shines through.
My reaction to this is now, “no, I want everyone to be right.”