I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
The short answer to the post title is: always.
Nobody’s ever entitled to sex, married or otherwise. To me, any other position is a slippery slope into coercion or domestic abuse. A relationship is based on trust if nothing else, and there are some red lines that should never be crossed.
That said, I hate binary arguments as much as the next person, and the key element to navigate the grey area is communication. I’ve worked shifts in the past and gotten home to a partner with the horn, and as much as I love intimacy, it was a case of “sure crack on, but you’re doing all the work”. That said, there’s been times when I’ve been like “absolutely not”, I’m in no position to ride a bus let alone a partner.
Whatever answer you give is the answer that should be respected. Yes, it’s frustrating sometimes but life gets in the way - kids, appointments, longer-than-expected shifts, bereavements, financial pressures (including the conscious decision to work extra), or even mental or physical health in general. It doesn’t affect the answer of whether it’s right to say “no” or not though.