04 January, Juche 114, Central Luxury Mansion -

On the 10th day of Mandatory Christmas the state received the following from patriotic workers:

  • twelve (12) tennis balls, type: squeaky

  • one (1) squirrel, size: small

  • one (1) bed rug, type: soft

  • three (3) bully sticks, type: smoked

  • six (6) toothbrushes [REJECTED, CASE PENDING]

Respected Comrade Sasha Bear looks forward to days 11-238 of Mandatory Christmas. Ministry of State Security officials have again warned the public that the Christmas Quota is SEPARATE from the Birthday Quota due to ongoing 37 Days of Birthday festivities, now in their 5th year.