Like, I’m AMAB but don’t really identify with whatever “being a man” is supposed to mean in this society, but have no idea where to go from there.
I do get mildly dysphoric the more masculine I feel I’m being perceived as, but still want to use he/him pronouns because while those aren’t that great of a match, none of the other options feel any better and it’s what I’m used to.
I was already presenting how I wanted to present, and that’s mildly androgynous, so it feels like coming out to myself hasn’t really changed much of anything, and that’s giving me imposter syndrome type intrusive thoughts when I think about telling other people I’m non-binary.
Also, I’m autistic, and at times it’s incredibly hard to separate that from my gender. Anyone else have this problem? Often I’m not sure to what degree my not identifying with “being a man” is informed by a non-binary gender or if it’s me just not being compatible with common neurotypical attitudes on gender. Maybe it’s a little of both
Anyway sorry for the rambling post, just wanted to gather my thoughts
As someone who took time to figure out they were non-binary (agender), it wasn’t really my pronouns that bothered me, but that certain of my features made me look to much of a certain sex. I thought that if I fulfilled whatever archetype of that sex, I would be happy, whether it leaned more masculine or feminine. But I wasn’t. It was being seen as that sex that bothered me in the first place. The biological implications terrified me, not because they themselves were terrifying, but because that wasn’t what I was supposed to be. The voice, genitalia and secondary sex features, these features weren’t supposed to be on me. I didn’t want any of this.
The features you describe as disphoria seem to be social disphoria. In a sense, you understand that they see you as man, so it makes it even more uncomfortable.