Like, I’m AMAB but don’t really identify with whatever “being a man” is supposed to mean in this society, but have no idea where to go from there.
I do get mildly dysphoric the more masculine I feel I’m being perceived as, but still want to use he/him pronouns because while those aren’t that great of a match, none of the other options feel any better and it’s what I’m used to.
I was already presenting how I wanted to present, and that’s mildly androgynous, so it feels like coming out to myself hasn’t really changed much of anything, and that’s giving me imposter syndrome type intrusive thoughts when I think about telling other people I’m non-binary.
Also, I’m autistic, and at times it’s incredibly hard to separate that from my gender. Anyone else have this problem? Often I’m not sure to what degree my not identifying with “being a man” is informed by a non-binary gender or if it’s me just not being compatible with common neurotypical attitudes on gender. Maybe it’s a little of both
Anyway sorry for the rambling post, just wanted to gather my thoughts
When my egg started to crack, I also considered myself to be somewhere on the enby spectrum because “being a man” felt completely wrong.
I don’t remember exactly what my thought process was but I clearly remember that I didn’t really force myself or lost sleep over it and instead just put it in the background and moved on with my life.
Over time I noticed that my felings were starting to develop more and more, even though I didn’t really put any hard thought into it, and 6 months later I finally felt ready to do the big soul searchy thing and discovered that I was just a woman that didn’t really care about gender.
So my advise would be to not be so hard on yourself and instead just ride the wave. If it turns out you’re not an enby then so what? Who gives a shit? I thought I was an enby for half a year and I was wrong. Do I regret it? Fuck no! Without this phase I wouldn’t stand where I am right now.
And for the whole imposter thingy: That’s trans as fuck. Every trans person has those feelings at some point in their life (myself included). But what I say to that is that as long as you listen to your heart and try to be true to yourself, you cannot be an imposter. You might be wrong about your gender, you might misinterpret your feelings, but you’re not an imposter.