show transcript
a tumblr post from slyeposting:
You order a package off Amazon. When the Amazon delivery guy shows up to your door, instead of giving you the package you bought, he beats the shit out of you. Then, when he sees that you are not dead yet, he calls all of the Amazon delivery people in the area and they all proceed to beat the shit out of you. Miraculously, you survive. Another miracle: a friend in your neighborhood caught the assault on video. After a month of recovery and extensive hospital bills that you have no idea what to do with, the video has gone viral. You read the comments below. “This is what happens to people who fuck with Amazon!!!” Someone says. “I’ve never been beaten up by Amazon employees, and I’ve been using them all my life!” Someone else comments. Later, you start to see articles popping up about your story. They all mention that when you were 17, your license was revoked for reckless driving. In a Facebook post on your mom’s feed, someone is going on a rant about how not all Amazon delivery guys are bad, and that if you look really close, the “bad” ones are just stressed out. Your name is trending on Twitter. Jeff Bezos films a response to your attack, denouncing the video of you getting beaten to within an inch of your life by his employees as becoming “a symbol of hate towards Amazon.” The people who attacked you still deliver packages around your neighborhood. You saw one of them just yesterday as you were watering your plants. You still can’t pay your hospital bills. Your phone dings- Twitter again. “Maybe if you didn’t order from Amazon,” someone pipes up, “this wouldn’t have happened!”
slyeposting replies:
a screenshot of a comment under the post reading: “if amazon delivery guys are beating you up maybe you should call the police”
[reaction image of Gru from Despicable Me looking down in bafflement]
holy shit
In reality, the Amazon driver’s pay has been cut, so they ask for a tip. You don’t tip enough so they beat you up. If you could afford to order from Amazon, why didn’t you tip enough? Obviously you’re not supporting essential workers in these trying times. They’re just working hard, feeding you, keeping you clothed, protecting you. But they have families of their own to take care of too. You’re not even ordering enough so they can afford to take a bathroom break.
Note: this was meant to be: /s
Wait, are you suggesting people need to bribe the cops to not murder them because the cops are underpaid essenital workers?
Or did you really think this was actually about Amazon delivery drivers and still just had a weird take on it?
I was just extending the bait, didn’t realize people would take it seriously. I’ve added an “/s”.
i find that using tone indicators was a good habit to get into, they’re a bit clunky yea but sarcasm is hard to parse by itself, let alone through text and god forbid if you have some neurodivergence on top of it all. if two characters are all thats needed to save a collective 5 minutes of human life i see no reason not type them.
Words to live by! /sincere