I’ve noticed I have a problem with not noticing people’s bad intentions until I’m well into an interaction or relationship, and not having good ways to respond when I do notice. Some of this may be brain, but I think much of it is habitual from things I was taught in my upbringing that don’t work well in the world.
Has anyone successfully figured this one out? I’ve done a ton of work on myself and gotten a lot wiser, but I still keep falling into the same trap of giving my good faith time and words to people who are semiblatantly trying to take advantage of me, are asking questions in bad faith, or are just generally being kinda mean or creepy to me. Once I do notice, it’s usually gotten to a point where it’s a little costlier to exit the situation than I think it would be if I had noticed right away. It still happens even when I feel cynical or don’t like/trust someone.
Any way to avoid this in the future? I guess I feel like I need a good reason to think “fuck this person.” It’s hard for me to react to it in the moment when it’s not clear to me a)what they’re doing and b)how to effectively shut it down or extricate myself.
I feel like listening to your gut is a big component of this. There have been times when I notice that the way someone talks bothers me for a reason I can’t put my finger on and I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt, assuming I’m being shallow or unreasonable, but then a few months or even years later their behavior lines up with my initial discomfort and I realize I had spotted something being off from the start. Sometimes it’s better to listen to the general feeling you’re getting from the less verbal and analytical parts of yourself than to wait until you have a real explanation.
Of course, there may be people who are just anxious or a little eccentric and that’s what you’re spotting, but usually it’s worth at least sniffing it out from a distance rather than fully ignoring those feelings until you can articulate the reason for them.