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Firstly firstly, that sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Being trans for me is mostly about joy but it’s not like that’s all it is all the time. Sometimes it sucks, yeah. E was great at first more for the emotional world it opened up for me and not for it’s immediate physical effects - I said it was like the emotional equivalent of having blurry vision and putting on glasses for the first time, now I had emotions besides vibing and intense rage. The physical stuff came later.
Secondly firstly, E takes forever. You hear about the quicker results because they’re exceptional (no one talks about how they took E for 4 years while they were closeted and their wives and children didn’t even notice, but it can be a thing). There’s the possibility you need more specialized endocrine medical care cause maybe you have some stuff going on that’s preventing HRT from doing what it does for most people - maybe your liver is just powerful. And yes, the big long list of initial changes starts to hit by year 2, but everyone’s body is different - you might be more around 3, which might suck but feminization is inevitable. Cis womens breasts, for example, take years and years to develop - some isn’t finished until their like 25 - so it’s not a huge surprise that it takes so long for trans femmes.
I wanna say that a lot of this bad shit you’re feeling sounds like dysphoria - being misgendered, hormones not working properly etc. Before I cracked my egg while I was still questioning, I thought I might not be trans cause where’s the torment and horrible dysphoria? Well, it came after I started dealing with the fact that I’m a woman, a trans woman, and now those floodgates open - and oh, there’s dysphoria. So if you’re feeling weird and dysphoric AFTER transitioning and didnt before, it’s not a big surprise. Sometimes dysphoria is so complete that it’s like a fish swimming in water, and comrade you just got pulled out of the water and now you know it exists and it’s all around you. Which is part of why you probably feel like there’s no going back - cause there’s not if you’re trans femme!
And the truth is, it does get better, but there’s no timeline and I wish I could give you one so so badly. But you will eventually figure out a way to present that makes your heart sing, and you will find friends that recognize your femininity, and you will get a circle of people that use the right pronouns in your daily life including work, and yeah eventually you’ll get curves and skin will be softer etc etc.
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I’m not holding out I don’t think, I’m fairly sure that in my line of work I’m not going to get she/her’d at any point unless I sic HR on every single person who fucks it up, and i’d so, so much rather get he/him’d organically than get she/her’d because people feel like they’ll get in trouble if they don’t. it’s really not worth the bonus transmisogyny that’d flag me for. My friends are much better and I’m so happy I have them, although I’m a busy person fighting tooth and nail for other busy people’s time, so it’s somewhat hard juggling the exhaustion of aggressive socializing versus the exhaustion of solitude.
I do also like the way I present too, I feel like I’ve done everything I can with what I’ve got, and ultimately I’m okay, but it’s definitely a bummer. I absolutely certainly definitively have dysphoria and it’s for things that definitely aren’t going away, so I either have it for life and I get used to it, or I get better at being happy with what I have - both of which sound cynical but are totally legitimate options.
At the end of the day, trans girls are perfect and beautiful, and I know this because I feel that way about all of them, so even if I can’t direct that inward, I know I’m not the only one who feels this and I know there’s just as much love for me out there as I have for others.