My dad is a classic narcissist. Everyone was put on this earth to serve him. If you don’t do what he wants, you’re a worthless terrible person. It was not uncommon for him to get physically abusive, but not enough to leave suspicious marks. I went low contact with him three years ago when he yelled at my autistic, non-verbal daughter because she was being “too loud.”
My Grandma (his mom) died a week and a half ago. He demanded we all help go through her stuff on the Fourth of July. He figured we weren’t working, and couldn’t possibly have anything else to do. My older brother, myself and my younger sister said sorry we all have plans, but we’re happy to do it this weekend. He stormed off, and later told my sister that getting married to our mom and having kids was the worst decision of his life. She called me crying.
My wife and I talked things through and decided we are going no contact with him after the funeral, which was yesterday. I don’t need to have that kind of stress in my life, and I don’t want my kids to experience anything like I had to growing up.
I don’t speak to either of my parents. It’s a hard thing. I find it causes me stress at times but those people are horrible and I prefer the random guilty thoughts then the emotional abuse both of them inflict on me.
Sometimes it’s the better of choice that only has bad options.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Do you have others you can rely on? 🫂
My wife and my sisters. My wife’s family is close so it helps. But it’s not the same and I have mostly just accepted that I will always have this scar and it will never heal.
🫂
This is something I have been dealing with for 30 years and more. First with my father when I was in my early 20s and more recently my mother.
People seem to think that just because someone is your family that you should continue to let them torment you, repeatedly. I’m in favor of “unfriending” family I’d they’re that toxic. Good for you and your wife for choosing yourselves and your daughter in this scenario.
God for you! When someone only takes energy from you and never gives it, you’re usually better off without them. Hope the future is brighter.
Thank you! Despite my childhood, I’ve been lucky enough to marry a wonderful woman and have some fantastic kids! The future looks pretty dang good!
My mom’s not a narcissist, but she grew up with an abusive father and an enabling mother, and she continues a lot of the toxic practices she learned growing up. She turns the smallest disagreements into full-on fights, and she constantly bickers and complains about everything the rest of the family does or doesn’t do.
The rest of the family still struggles a lot with her behaviour, but I’ve found a few things that help me deal with her:
- If mom comes at me with her complaining then I don’t let the discussion grow into a fight gradually, I go nuclear straight away, calling her a fucking hell-removed so loud that the neighbors and anyone walking past the house can definitely hear it - and then I walk away. Somehow this gets the point through to her that I’m not playing her game, possibly because I don’t give her the time to work up her anger to the point where she finally goes nuclear herself and forgets everything around her.
- I never visit mom and dad’s house, but I sometimes allow them to visit my house. That way I can always just throw the both of them out if she starts to go toxic.
- I try to remind dad and my sister that we’ve already tried to get through to mom a thousand times before, and if she still doesn’t want to change her behaviour then we can’t force her. The only thing we can really control is our presence.
It’s probably for the best. Have you or your family ever consider referring your father to a therapist? It doesn’t excuse anything he did, especially being physically abusive but it might be an idea.
We’ve tried. Unfortunately he has not been open to the idea at all
Figures. You’re doing the right thing cutting him out, it’s the best thing for you and your children.
Proud fo you for making the choice you found is right for you, thats not always easy
