I need to tell my fentanyl story, because it is destroying me right now. I am over 2 years clean of fentanyl, and am still paying the price every day for my choices. I fucking hate these ultra potent presses going around. They stole me from me.

My opiate story started with clean morphine. I’ve always had a strong preference towards clean opiates because they just feel way better. I was getting a great deal on them, a little too great. My back would hurt from dishwashing, so I’d come home and snort half a morphine capsule. Snort way more on the weekends, but low dose most days. I did this everyday for about a month. Until one day I woke up and found that I was going through withdrawals because I had ran out. My dealer was out. Here comes fentanyl into the story. I used that for about a month and had my life totally derailed. Maxed out credit cards, selling stuff, the works. I got off it fairly quickly because of how bad it derailed my life.

My issues come in when I relapsed. The first time I relapsed, I was being stupid and suicidal, but got clean stuff so one narcan brought me back like nothing. It gave me a false sense of confidence. A few months later, I relapse again, except this time instead of a whole cocktail of downers, it was half a fentanyl press. Snorted it, and was almost immediately gone. I started seeing what I think is a near death experience during it. I was really fucked. 4 narcans didn’t bring me back, CPR did. And after that, things were never the same. Every mental issue I had became worse. I was having issues with schizophrenia beforehand but that’s what turned it into a hellish nightmare.

Last night, my partner of 5 years broke up with me because the decline caused by that fent overdose has rotted our relationship. I am so dissociated and checked out all the time that I haven’t been able to be as loving of a partner as I should have. I started getting help a few months ago but getting help for schizophrenia and traumatic brain injuries is a slow process and she’s been patient for a very long time. Right now we’re both essentially having a grieving session for the person that died the night I overdosed. My body came back up, my lungs were taking in air again, my eyes could see again, but a massive part of Leyla died in those 10 minutes. 2 or 3 years later, I am still just praying that I can get even close to how I used to be.

Fentanyl took me from me permanently. I cannot understate how dangerous and disgusting this shit is. And dying like that makes the cravings 10x worse when you get brought back! Seriously y’all, if y’all aren’t already hooked on it, avoid this shit like the plague