I wish that I could’ve talked it out with him. Respected his need for space and realised he was ignoring me because of that, not because he didn’t love me. I wish I could’ve articulated better to him that I was panicking that week. I wish I wasn’t so nasty about it to him in the end and had a civil discussion. I wish he didn’t give up so easily and that he communicated better as well.

I wish I was over it. People have said I should be over it by now. Everytime I go out, I get paranoid that I’ll see him or any of his people. Anyone that looks remotely like him, I get paranoid and think it’s him. I see a car like his or drive through nearby areas and think that I’ll see him. Worrying about it makes it happen twice or some quote along those lines. I want to forget.

The past is in the past. It is what it is. There is nothing I can do to change it, even if I so desperately want to. When the logical part of my brain kicks in, I realise it’s normal to miss someone you cared about a lot, even if you don’t want them back. It just shows you cared. As for the fears, easier said than done, but I need to realise that time will help me get over it. If I do ever see him again, it might be painful, knowing that in some time, he’s going to be building a life with someone that isn’t me. On the flip side, I get to build my own life, and probably a better life than what I would build with him.

I’ve been chatting with an online friend I made recently and even they will tell me that they’re going to be busy and actually reply to my long spiels of shit, even though I have absolutely no expectations about any of that. I didn’t even have to say anything at all. I realise now that I shouldn’t have had to ask for that much reassurance, and even though I think I would lean towards anxiously attached (in relationships), I was dealing with someone who couldn’t give me the time of day, leading to blows to my self-esteem and me overthinking.