[CW: Internalized Hate]

Something I’m being told even though I literally receive hate on a daily basis for said “weirdness.”

Just when I thought I was learning to accept myself for all the things I have a long past of hating myself over (gender, sexuality, race, and neurodivergence), it just really hasn’t gotten to that point where I can truly embrace this. I’m afraid that the one life I was given was as an autistic, black, pansexual enby, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

I will never be normal, and no, that’s not okay. I don’t believe I will truly ever be able to be content like this. I’m far too different from the norm for life to be compatible for someone like me. I feel like I’m not actually meant to exist. I feel like I’m an experiment where I’m intended to be everything that a human being is not supposed to be.

As long as I will continue being this way (and, unfortunately, I will), there’s gonna be a reason to question how much comfort I can find in life, and when it hits me that the world will never be for people like me, I question how I can make my life work.

I’m forever to be disgusting, filthy, broken, freakish, incompetent, abnormal, inferior, and a detriment to society’s own comfort, and that’s just in my nature, so no, I don’t think I can make my life work.

  • BeamBrain [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    13·
    6 months ago

    I never can tell, and this is why my internalized ableism was always the hardest form of internalized bigotry for me to overcome. I feel like anti-autistic sentiment is so socially acceptable as long as you don’t explicitly make it about autism, i.e. you can get upset with someone for displaying supposed “autistic tendencies,” but you can’t call them a slur or directly poke fun at the fact that they’re autistic for doing so.

    yea 10-15 years ago, we didn’t even get that much. Even in left-wing spaces I would regularly see people calling us slurs, using our condition as an insult, and using us as punchlines.