(TL;DR): I love being terrified, and this has led me to a fascination with imagining being a witness to / a victim of various tragedies. Is that weird?


The earliest example I can remember of wanting to know what it was like to be a victim of a tragedy was when I first learned what happened on 9/11. We were visiting my grandma, and she was watching a documentary about it. That’s the first time I had seen the footage and heard an explanation of it all, and I was still a child (like way too young to be processing what I was seeing), but I was fascinated by it. Even after everyone had left the room to hang out on the porch, I stayed in the living room to watch more. I wanted to know everything, but most of all I wanted to know what it was like to be there. Both as a witness and a victim.

To this day, I would pay good money to get hooked up to something like Roy from Rick and Morty so I could safely experience it without knowing I was safe. And I’d like to choose as many perspectives as I want. From the hijackers, to the people on the directly impacted floors, the people on floors adjacent to the impact, the people who jumped, the people who were outside and witnessed the crashes and collapses, the people who were trapped on the upper floors and remained inside during the collapse…

Besides 9/11, others at the top of the list are things like mass shootings, earthquakes and other natural disasters, catastrophic workplace accidents (mostly explosions), the sinking of the Titanic, Hiroshima/nuclear testing sites, other war related events, various atrocities committed by/against mankind (like the torture committed by the CIA against people suspected of being involved in the 9/11 attacks), the Heaven’s Gate mass suicide, a significant portion of Charles Manson’s life… It’s a mix of wanting the experience and curiosity about the stories/information that never made it into public knowledge.

I don’t have a death wish or anything, it’s just for some reason I have a fascination with terror. I love getting sleep paralysis and having nightmares, and I feel a weird sense of catharsis when I wake up and realize I’m safe. My favorite ones are when I’m utterly convinced I’m going to die. Even as a kid I loved terrifying shows (like Courage the Cowardly Dog and Mr.Meaty), and as a teenager it evolved into broader consumption of surrealist art, and then I started watching Live Leak videos where I got a more realistic sense of terror. I watched all of the Bjork stalker’s tapes, which, if you aren’t familiar, they end with him shooting himself after mailing a letter bomb to her. Knowing he filmed his suicide was what piqued my interest, but I also wanted to get into his head so I started from tape #1.

How weird is all of this? Any psychological explanations/speculations about why I’m like this? (And are there any other subs I should ask this in?)

    • Diabolo96@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      5 months ago

      Kinda. Still, I believe it’s part of human nature. Morbid curiosity has led many of us into watching/reading about fucked up shit.

      • RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        Morbid curiosity is different from enjoying the idea of witnessing a tragedy.

        Morbid curiosity is wanting to know the solution to a mystery that is morbid in nature. It doesn’t necessarily involve getting enjoyment from a tragic event occurring.

        • A_Very_Big_Fan@lemmy.worldOP
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          5 months ago

          I don’t get enjoyment from a tragic event occurring. And I disagree with your definition of morbid curiosity.

          If you actually read what I wrote, you’ll see that I’m saying I enjoy being scared, not watching people die. The whole point of the “Roy” thing is that nobody is ever actually in danger. What I’m wanting is an artificial way to experience things like that, which would satiate my curiosity, morbid and otherwise, and gives me the nightmare experience at the same time.

          • die444die@lemmy.world
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            5 months ago

            So I don’t have any curiosity about experiencing any of these things in person but I do definitely enjoy the adrenaline rush of being scared. I try to watch scary movies hoping it will bring back that fear I’d get as a kid where it felt like it took me 30 minutes to get down the dark hallway to my room because I was scared after staying up to watch scary movies.

            So I definitely chase that scared feeling, but not with real life events. This could be because I have witnessed a few horrifying things in real life and I know it’s not the same feeling - you get an adrenaline rush yes, but you’re left with a despair afterward, unlike watching a scary movie or something on tv.

            Still, some of the way you described this resonated with me in some way.