Well, not to derail your dastardly plan or anything but if you’re so into the idea of crocheted toys and etc maybe it is actually worth giving it a go yourself! I taught my other half to crochet and he made a series of animal amigurumis (all named after himself because learning crafts makes you feel like a god I guess), and then presented me with this little fella for Valentine’s Day.

It took him like two weeks to get to this point and he’s rather ham-fisted himself, so I totally believe in you! Always happy to enable a beginner and I’m sure the crochet community here would welcome you too.

This doesn’t help you offload it all onto your wife ofc, but I can’t tell from your question if she’s ever shown the slightest bit of interest in learning any of this so that’s probably step 1. If she has, crochet is probably the easiest to pick up (knitting is a bit harder for total newbies in my experience, and sewing needs a machine to do much interesting).

Whichever of you is learning I’d recommend picking up a cheap beginner kit off Amazon or similar with a set of hooks in different sizes, and some stitch markers (don’t skip the stitch markers as a newbie!). You’ll want to start off in “aran” weight yarn (they call it “worsted” in the US so don’t let that confuse you) in a light colour so you can see what you’re doing. Either acrylic or cotton is a good place to start. I usually recommend newbies make something like a cotton washcoth since it’s basically just a square of the same stitch over and over again, really helps you learn how to keep your stitch count right from one row to the next and then it’s also a practical item you can use!

(Obligatory self plug for my beginner crochet tutorial but fair warning it’s like 40mins long and also I like to go into the theory of what I’m teaching to help it sink in)

Ok that was a wall of text. You started it! 😅