Hello friends, if you’ll allow me, I would like to rant for a moment about the state of dating in an urban setting.
I don’t want to immediately say things were better decades ago, but as someone who is monogamous, vanilla, just wants a steady partner, it feels impossible to date with the current apps. I am in hobby groups, I’m on Bumble, Hinge etc., I meet new people. Yet I can’t seem to find anyone. I’m despairing friends, I’m despairing.
I feel like I’m picking people off an algorithm. The room for surprise and delight has been cut off. Now there is only space for cold hard data. Lots of pretty people with good education and it’s so hard to see them as people and not just another part of an ever growing list. Another dot in the scatter plot.
People who are in LTRs, how’d you find your partner? What keeps you together?
Other single folk, how are you finding dating to be in your current locale? What things have brought success or failure in your mind? How do you define success or failure?
Dating in general is rough. Apps work for some and not for others. I like reading studies, and the ones on apps always made me feel pretty hopeless. You’re definitely not alone in feeling empty interacting with the algorithm. I did the same thing you’re doing, joined groups, joined multiple apps to increase my chances and odds, I came and went in activity frequently. My mental health definitely didn’t help in the search for a partner.
Married my LTR. We met on a dating app right before COVID hit. We’d crossed paths a few times before and had some mutual acquaintances, but it wasn’t until both of us were on the app that we started any interaction. Both of us had basically given up on the apps but were convinced by friends to try it again. I know it’s super cliché, but things just clicked and felt right. We had some bumps, but both of us really wanted to make the relationship work.
We stay together because we’re comfortable with each other. We’re on the same page on most things, we discuss things when we’re not. If we need space, we give it. We’re open minded, try things on our own and together. Usually when we’re apart and experiencing something, one of the first thoughts is “I wish they were here.” We’re ok with quiet and just existing in the same space, we don’t need fancy or extravagant or to always have something going on.
Could we have been with other people and made it? Probably. I’m not a huge ‘the one’ person, she’s probably more than me. However, there’s a lot of times she makes me question my stance on that. She’s pretty neat and I don’t know what I did to deserve her.
Regarding “the one”. I think people misunderstand what it means. There is no magical one person out there to find. On the other hand once you find someone they can very well become “your one”. That really takes a lifetime though. My wife and I have been together over 25 years and each year has been better and deeper. After the first date mentally I thought it would be over in 3 months.