I often forget that with one exception I have never, ever, ever been happy with another living thing in the room. I hate speaking—I wish I had been born mute because the anxiety that’s been tied around my neck as long as I can remember makes everything come out wrong. I wish I hadn’t been Narcan’d. When I finally fucking die, don’t be sad. When I was 4 years old my father screamed his fucking head off at me because I wouldn’t smile for a picture—I don’t think I’ve ever been happy, I just forget sometimes how mean this world is, and those moments don’t really justify anything else. When I die I’ll forget that I exist, and I’ll finally be alone, and the only person I’ve ever loved won’t be afraid of me anymore.
I know how you feel with the, hating-speaking. It’s an exhausting strain trying to say words and maybe 1% of what you meant comes out in some twisted form. It can feel like a pointlessly huge effort trying to overcome the anxiety to even say anything
This is pretty much why I speak almost entirely in sarcastic one-liners. Well, that and being a neglected latchkey kid that was practically raised by Rodney Dangerfield movies.
I do love the “sarcastic one-liners” type of person actually c:
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I kinda’ wish I was born mute too, sometimes. Extreme alienation from the people around me that I kinda’ bounce in and out of, not because people become better but my tolerance to it redevelops to it, until it disappears again.
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