I’m feeling a lot of feelings and need to vent, so my apologies if this ends up being a little scatterbrained.
I’m a security guard in a purple city/red state, and I’m working an event tonight at a church. 3 hours into my shift, I’ve accepted that I’ll have to go to the bathroom at some point.
I’m tall (over 6ft/180cm), over weight, bad hairline, and the only obviously feminine shape I have is boobs (which are squished into a sports bra and not very visible).
Package all this in a polo shirt and black cargo pants… I’ve gotten “maam’d” -twice- in the 1.5 years I’ve been working this job.
So, after 3 hours of deliberating, I decided to trade some of my dignity for safety and just use the mens room. I’d already been misgendered, so I felt it was the best option…
I go into the mens room, take care of business (in a stall), and as I’m washing my hands, this guy comes in, sees me and says “am I in the wrong place??” as he walks back out to check the sign on the door. I told him no, I don’t think so and just got the fuck out as fast as possible.
There was no confrontation and I didn’t feel unsafe, though now I’m worried about a complaint (which I was also trying to avoid), and now I’m too nervous to use either one next time I have to pee… I can’t win. And I feel like my spent dignity got me nothing but frustration and a possible complaint.
I won’t lie, there was some validation in the whole thing, but it was tainted by the frustration of feeling like there’s no place in the world for me and the desire to just hide myself away from it all…
When you’re not “normal” it feels like there’s no place in the world for you. You’re experiencing what many people that are different in some way experience.
I’m not trans but autistic. If there’s anything I know, it’s feeling like the world was not made for you. I felt like an alien most of my life.
But it’s not true. There’s a place for anyone. It will not be in the “general population” though.
I can only speak from my experience. But I’ve managed to find a lot of people in my area that are similar to me or not normal in other ways. They are the nicest people I’ve ever met and I’ve built a circle of friends/community with them.
If you don’t have that, I can certainly understand your feelings. But since I have these many people close to me, I’ve started feeling like this less and less. I still have situations like you where I feel I don’t belong, but it honestly at this point feels mostly like the “normal” people are the weird ones for being so intolerant.
If I can give you advice, it’s to seek out similar people. People that are different. People that are good to you. I don’t know what your situation is, what your environment is. But there are people like that everywhere. Idk if there are any bars or other places close to you that could have such people. Any events, meetups. If there are literally none, maybe think about moving somewhere.
I know what I’m talking about seems obvious, is hard, and it’s not some deep insight. But I really think it’s probably the most important thing, so I’m saying it anyway.
Just know that even though I don’t know you, I’m sending you lol (lots of love) and wish for you to find a way to either not have these situations anymore or for them to not bother you anymore.
I have a few other challenges, mostly social, that makes meeting people and making friends incredibly difficult, but your words are encouraging. Thank you. 💜