Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.
I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.
I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.
I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.
I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?
In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?
It’s fucked up.
I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.
Mostly I’m just tired.
They mentioned living in "Tory country’, which if I’m not mistaken is the UK equivalent of a “red state” area in the US.
Ah I’m kinda just skim through long posts since my attention span is a bit fucked up, so I missed that part. Well… UK conservatives are generally more left-leaning than US liberals, according to what I’ve heard people say. I’d say just come out of the closet. Most people aint gonna bother you if you act nice towards them.
Not trying to be a jerk or anything, but it’s generally not a great idea to give advice on someone’s situation when you haven’t gotten a full grasp on the background and relevant information, especially when it comes to mental/emotional stuff. For example, you’re correct that the general politics in the U.K. is more left-leaning than the U.S. but that’s not necessarily the case for trans rights - it’s picked up the moniker “TERF island” in some places. Elsewhere in this post, OP mentioned that their partner has been assaulted for wearing nail polish. Where they live could very well be the equivalent of the deeply-conservative part of Florida when it comes to feelings towards the trans community specifically.