Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.

I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.

I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.

I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.

I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?

In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?

It’s fucked up.

I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.

Mostly I’m just tired.

  • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
    3·
    2 years ago

    I would chop off certain bits and add others, lol. I would wear wigs, or do different hairstyles often. I would expand my wardrobe so it could reflect how I feel more on a given day. I would be extravagant for no fucking reason other than… it’s Thursday.

    • nlm@beehaw.orgEnglish
      3·
      2 years ago

      I know it’s eeasy for me to say, not facing the same issues but… just fuck 'em? Go nuts, do you! At least with the wigs and outfits for starters?

      I bet you’d feel a lot better if you listen more to yourself and not so much to people around you.

      Even though the public can be a bunch of intolerant jerks, try to be yourself if possible mate!

      • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
        2·
        2 years ago

        I’d love to, but I’m afraid it’s not as easy as that. My partner got beat up for wearing nail polish. A friend of mine got egged for having short hair as a girl. There have been murders and assaults of my like-minded people in the area.

        While I know it’s important to have guts and to stand tall, I also want to make sure I stay alive so I can be there for my family.

        But I hear you. I will be braver, if nothing else in little, safer ways for now. Maybe some wigs at home at least, lol.

        • nlm@beehaw.orgEnglish
          1·
          2 years ago

          Sorry to hear that… the world really is rather fucked up. :/

          There’s nowhere you could move that’s a bit more tolerant?

          • nanometre@beehaw.orgOPEnglish
            4·
            2 years ago

            Isn’t it just?

            Eventually yes. My country of origin is generally more accepting, though not perfect. We’re saving up for it :)