I have been doing a lot of meditating lately, and generally trying to be more mindful. I have noticed it has improved my attention span and ability to concentrate - or at least notice quickly when my thoughts drift and come back to my target. It’s pretty cool, and I really hope I can maintain it.

But things are not without yuck. My husband’s insurance changed, and we now have a $4,000 deductible on our prescriptions. And we both have expensive prescriptions. So there goes $4k, not counting co-insurance. I’m weirdly calm about it - you know, because of all the meditating - but it is a major fucking upset to our budgeting.

It’s wine time 😎

I stopped by a gas station earlier today and the cashier guy I know asked, “How’s it going? Got any plans? Gonna play any videogames or watch anything cool?” I totally fumbled my response with, “Uhhhh. The weather is bad so I’m not really doing anything.” Which makes no fuckin sense because I have been watching shows and playing games. I’m inattentive type ADD so some forgetfulness is expected, but WOW is it a moment when I can’t even perceive what I’ve been doing just minutes before. I recognized what happened then, and sorta rushed out of the store and said bye before he could say too much in response.

Also my birthday is next week and I have zero plans for the occasion. I spent my last birthday in a mental health facility and didn’t even get cake, so I might just buy a cake for myself and call it good enough. Maybe my brother will send me a present or something, but I don’t have anyone to celebrate with IRL anyways. So in an apathetic way I’ve resigned the idea of having a birthday anymore.

Getting some unplanned exercise clearing out the house of my late mother in law. Though my airways disagree (achoo), having clear goals and hauling around heavy stuff is doing wonders for my mood.

Drowning in work still but can’t seem to really care. Weather is shitty and haven’t been able to take meds due to a long complicated combo of things so dreading starting back again because the first week is always hell.

My dog has more tumors and I am paralyzed by the fear I am losing her too quickly though I have no real evidence and many dogs live years and long happy lives with these kinds of tumors. And we have a plan of action I just have to implement it (worried though I am making the wrong choice in treatment)

And I feel so alone at work. I’ve never not had some sort of mentor and it’s been almost three years of this job with no accountability and no mentoring. And feeling really distant with my coworkers. I’ve tried really hard to reach out to mentors and guidance and it’s just not there. I remember why now I didn’t go into this field the first time around and ran from it though I didn’t understand it at the time.

And utterly grateful for this community because it is one of the only spaces where I feel understood. I may not know anyone personally but just having a place to vent this out with no fear, no toxic positivity or negativity and general acceptance is very relieving. I wish I could give back as much I take from this community, but know I am rooting for each everyone of you from here and am thankful for you all.

Happy celebrations to you all celebrating, (birthdays, holidays, personal successes) and sending strength to those who need extra this week.